Fox News joins anti-Christmas "forces of darkness"
December 22, 2009 3:08 pm ET by Matt Gertz
The war is over. Christmas lost.
Minutes ago, Fox News wished its viewers "Happy Holidays," thus joining the secularist politically-correct card-carrying ACLU members who have for years waged a "War on Christmas."
With the might of News Corp. onboard, surely a nationwide crackdown on crèches is already underway, and no doubt Santa and his elves will be rounded up before Christmas.
Oh, how the tides have turned.
It was only two years ago that Bill O'Reilly was declaring victory, claiming to have "won this war" against the "very effective movement underway to wipe out, in the public square, all vestiges of Christmas." He decried how "Stores were ordering employees not to say 'Merry Christmas,'" and said that "If I had not done the campaign, then the forces of darkness would have won. There's no question about that."
O'Reilly proclaimed at the time: "We were able to convince the major retailers to not order their employees to not say 'Merry Christmas,' to stop that nonsense. We won that." But now, O'Reilly is unable to convince even his own employer not to use the vicious, hateful "Happy Holidays."
Oh, there have been chinks in the armor before. Even back in 2005, no doubt due to the machinations of some infiltrator, Fox News' online store was selling "Holiday" ornaments, and even exhorting O'Reilly's audience to "Put your holiday tree in 'The No Spin Zone' with this silver glass 'O'Reilly Factor' ornament." The day after this perfidy was noted, the references to "holiday" were changed to "Christmas."
Earlier this year, it became clear that this treason against Christmas was spreading through the Fox family. First, White House correspondent Major Garrett wished President Obama - on behalf of Fox news! - "a very happy and joyous 2009 holiday season." Garrett could have been written off as a mere Benedict Arnold in the War on Christmas... but Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy also appeared to slip the next month, referring to his program's "holiday party" before properly correcting himself.
And even O'Reilly himself told Dick Morris that Morris' new book "makes a great Christmas/holiday/Chanukah book, gift, whatever."
Once Christmas' commander-in-chief defected, it was only a matter of time.
Jon Stewart and the rest of the self-described "liberal secular fags" at Comedy Central and across the country have won.
Do you get it now, or do we need to draw you a picture?
I hear that the official surrender ceremony is being arranged as we speak, to take place either at the Appomattox Court House or on the deck of the U.S.S. Missouri.
It's still being worked out who will represent the vanquished, with Pat Robertson the second choice, first choice the Pope (of course).
We don't know as yet who'll accept the surrender, but it will be somebody dark and brooding, like Ralph Nader.
The Angels cry, it's a sad day.
But take heart, for the setting of that wonderful two thousand year era of Pisces, simply means this is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius [insert Fifth Dimension song here].
Ted Baxter will rant like a maniac tonight, a full-scale assault on his own network! This news giant may even--turn in his resignation!!!
Go get 'em Ted!