By Simon Maloy

Well, it's April Fool's Day. We're not clever enough to redesign our website to look like another website, or make all our content appear upside-down, so we'll just offer a link to this website, which is widely viewed as a hilarious joke.

Today's Rush Limbaugh Show got started with Rush expressing disbelief that the "anti-capitalist" protesters were out in force in Britain for the G-20. Rush couldn't believe their anger, given that the "premier anti-capitalist" -- President Obama -- was leading the G-20. From there we took a sharp turn from marginally substantive analysis to an extended monologue on guitar picks, sea turtles, dishwasher detergent, red meat, and tea. Rush was aghast at news reports that residents of Spokane, Washington, are allegedly "smuggling" dishwasher detergent into the city to get around a ban on phosphate-free detergents, and equally aghast at a Fox News story headlined: "Sick Sea Turtle Checks Herself Into Animal Hospital."

Then Rush reprised his theory that the media are conspiring to report apocalyptic stories to cause fear and panic and impel readers to turn to the government for solutions. He had two new examples today -- the first being media reports on a National Cancer Institute study that found that "[e]ating red meat increases the chances of dying prematurely." Rush said this is all the doing of the vegetarians and the environmentalist whackos, because they're the ones who made red meat "controversial." By our reading it seems like the National Cancer Institute that's making it controversial. Next, Rush moved on to Sky News, which reported that "[r]esearchers found drinking tea with a temperature above 70C inc[r]eased the risk of oesophageal cancer eight-fold." Rush called this one "stupid" and "ridiculous."

After the break, Rush came back to the sea turtle story, then took another break, then came back to the sea turtle, but only briefly this time as his attention was quickly diverted to a matter of actual substantive importance -- the special election in NY-20. Rush declared Democrat Scott Murphy's narrow lead over Republican Jim Tedisco a "slam-dunk loss" for the Democrats, because it was the Democrats who invested heavily in the race and had Obama and Biden cutting ads (never mind that the GOP was also heavily invested in the race). More importantly, according to Rush, this was a failure of the Democratic strategy of bringing Limbaugh in, because, according to Limbaugh, the Democrats believed that invoking Limbaugh's name would bring them a landslide.

Satisfied with his analysis, Rush then turned to attacking the Politico for reporting that "a few things are clearer after Tuesday's contest, none of it welcome news to the Republican Party." Rush claimed the only reason the Democrats "pared down" Tedisco's double-digit lead in the polls was that they spent so much. Rush noted that the Politico reported that "even if Tedisco is ultimately declared the winner when all the votes are finally counted, the delayed result will have diminished any momentum that a clear-cut Election Night victory would have provided." According to Rush, this means that even if the Republican wins it doesn't count, and this is how the left does the scorecard. Remember that, moments earlier, Rush characterized as a "slam-dunk loss for the Democrats" a race in which the little-known Democrat erased a double-digit deficit to take a narrow lead in the initial vote count.

Then Rush started talking about the National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Center, and we found ourselves fervently wishing that he'd talk about the sea turtle again. Rush mocked the woman leading NOCIRC for describing an infant circumcision she had witnessed in which the child was allegedly "strapped spread-eagle to a plastic board... struggling against his restraints -- tugging, whimpering, and then crying helplessly." Rush was incredulous, saying he was sure that the infant remembered every second of this and called NOCIRC years later.

One more break and Rush offered yet another jab at Obama's teleprompters, saying that of the 500 staffers Obama reportedly took to the G-20 summit, twelve were teleprompters.

Unfortunately, due to a power surge caused by a sudden and cataclysmic sunstorm, our recording system went down and we are short on transcripts, so you'll have to trust in our note-taking abilities for now.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by the autographed Limbaugh shoe of our dreams
By Simon Maloy

Kicking off the second hour, Rush attacked Reuters for its headline: "U.S. private sector axes 742,000 jobs in March." The sin Reuters committed, allegedly, is suggesting that the "evil private sector" is cutting jobs, but not the "precious government." This objection doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us, since the headline reflected what was reported in the story -- specifically, that "[p]rivate employers cut jobs by a record 742,000 in March versus a 706,000 revised cut in February that was originally reported at 697,000 jobs." Finished with attacking Reuters, Rush moved on the NBC's Richard Engel for characterizing the G-20 protests as "festive." Rush said they're actually "rioting," but they should be celebrating because they are anti-capitalist and Obama, the "premier anti-capitalist," is among them. Rush then claimed that Obama could get the protesters to stop, but he loves the chaos and confusion.

Then El Rushbo moved on to Obama's meeting with Russian President Medvedev, claiming that as Obama was speaking about Russia and the U.S. sharing interest in reducing nuclear weapons, Medvedev has his hand over his mouth and was barely able to contain his laughter. Rush said that Medvedev couldn't wait to get out of there and tell Vladimir Putin, "Did you hear what he thinks we agreed to?" Then it was on to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, as Rush played snippets of his press conference with Obama, praising the president for the changes he's enacted in the United States. Rush was amazed that this "committed socialist" was praising Obama, calling this "slobbering" and warning that if he keeps it up, he will "come down with anal poisoning and may die from it."

Back from the break, Rush took a quick call from a man asking why the media were not reporting on the Republicans' budget alternatives. Rush said they don't care and cautioned the man against seeking validation in the mainstream media because they hate conservatives and Republicans and that will never change.

Another break, and Rush re-aired his Kim Jong-Il parody from yesterday. We might have laughed even harder this time around. Then it was time to air some clips of Rep. Paul Ryan's (R-WI) presentation of the GOP budget this morning. Rush said that Ryan had some great ideas, because many of them were in Rush's January 29 Wall Street Journal op-ed. One specific "great" idea that both Rush and Ryan shared was slashing the corporate tax rate, which the Congressional Budget Office considers to be quite an ineffective method of stimulating the economy. (Fox News loves Ryan's ideas as well.)

Rush then took another caller, this one eager to explain to El Rushbo the dystopic dream she had in which she and Rush were in a post-Obama America at a required seminar of some kind. In the dream, Rush acknowledged that his show was being shut down, took off his shoe, signed it, and gave it to the woman. Rush was flabbergasted and said it was indicative of the "fear" people have out there, they're "dreaming of Obama camps."

Rush turned next to Obama and the G-20, airing clips of Obama saying: "People losing their homes, losing their businesses that they've worked so hard for, losing their health care in the United States; people around the world who were already desperate before the crisis and they find themselves even more desperate afterwards -- that's what our agenda has to begin with, and that's where it will end." Rush says this is wrong -- people aren't "losing" their homes, "we're paying them to stay in their homes." Rush then offered his translation of this clip -- Obama's not only going to spread your wealth around in America, he's going to spread it around the world. Then he attacked Obama for "blaming" the global financial crisis on the United States, saying that all these G-20 conferences are about blaming the U.S., the only difference is that now we have a president who is also willing to blame America.

Back from the break, Rush took one more caller, a woman concerned about GM plant closing in Texas and asking if Texans will have any sway over the White House's plans for GM. Of course not, says Rush, look at the stimulus. Rush claimed there is an "unconstitutional" provision in the stimulus that empowers state legislatures to accept stimulus cash if the governor doesn't want to. It's the same with GM -- if they're going to close plants, it's Democratic politics, according to Rush, to close plants in Republican states because Obama wants that "chaos" and "misery" in Republican states.

Hour 2 highlights

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: If he causes chaos and unemployment in a Republican state, that helps him. President Obama is about chaos. He's about misery. He is about people being unsatisfied and frightened of the future so that they will turn to him for the solution, not Governor Perry or Palin or Sanford.

Clips from this hour:

Limbaugh: If Gordon Brown keeps "slobbering" over Obama, he'll "come down with anal poisoning and may die from it"

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by higher education
By Simon Maloy

Final hour, and Rush attacked GM and Chrysler for initiating programs to temporarily make auto payments for buyers who lose their jobs. Rush asks, "But who's paying it?" The taxpayers, answers Rush, who faults the government for coming up with this idea. His outrage at Chrysler might be justified if Chrysler were actually offering this service. As we discussed yesterday, it's GM and Ford that are doing this (not Chrysler), and Ford hasn't taken any federal cash. But if Rush has to substitute Chrysler for Ford to make his argument work, that's fine.

From there, Rush jumped at reports that Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod as a gift, wondering what he and Snerdly would have given the queen. Then he had a brilliant idea -- in keeping with Obama's "apology" on behalf of America for "creating" the financial crisis, Obama should have written for the queen an official apology from America for rebelling against the British in the 1700s.

Then Rush mocked a woman who reportedly locked herself in her car, called 911, and was instructed by the dispatcher to manually unlock the car door. According to Rush, she was "undoubtedly an Obama voter." Then Rush implored us all to be more compassionate to smokers, since the higher taxes they pay on tobacco is paying for children's health care, and they are making the ultimate sacrifice -- a slow death for the benefit of the children. Rush also said that since there are more low-income smokers than high-income smokers, we enact higher welfare payments so that the poor in this country can afford to purchase more tobacco, and therefore purchase more children's health care. This went on for a while, interrupted only by the hard break, with Rush laying it on just as thick the whole way.

After the break, the show was effectively derailed by a caller from George Mason University studying Limbaugh as part of a journalism class. The caller said he has a textbook that slams Limbaugh, and Rush demanded examples, the "Reign of Error" being the first one proffered. Rush dismissed "Reign of Error" as a hit conducted by Fairness and Accuracy in Media in 1993, and said that now there are groups like *cough* Media Matters that listen to "all 15 hours" of his show every week and rip "two seconds of a 10-second point or a monologue and take it totally out of context." Rush offered no examples of Media Matters actually doing this. We love this little "context" game Limbaugh and his defenders play. Media Matters can post several minutes of audio and transcript -- more context than anyone could ever hope for -- but however much context we offer, it's never enough.

Anyway, Rush continued his conversation with this caller after the break, crediting the young man for being one of the few practitioners of journalism who actually bothered to call Limbaugh before writing about him. Usually they just go to Media Matters, says Limbaugh. We can't fault them for that -- it's a pretty good source ... Anyway, Rush launched into an extensive plug for his own website, telling the caller that it is a "goldmine" of information and that he, Rush Limbaugh, is the "greatest asset that individuals in this country have" because he's standing up for individuality.

Then Rush asked the caller for another example of how the textbook attacked him. "Caller abortions" was what the young student offered, and Rush offered a detailed rundown was what a "caller abortion" is. This was new to us, so let us explain for those who also found themselves similarly befuddled (using Rush's own words, even though we'll be accused of taking them out of context later). Basically, many years ago Rush decided to compare phone calls to fetuses -- "When does a call become a call?" When someone dials? When Rush answers? You get the picture. Anyway, when Rush found himself on a call he no longer wanted, he concluded that he'd "made a mistake," so he did what the "pro-abortion" people do -- he "simply aborted it." To "abort" the call, he "turned on the suction device and sucked the call right out of the phone," accompanied by sound effects of a woman screaming and a toilet flushing. "That, to me, was brilliant," said Rush. We'd never heard a "caller abortion," so perhaps they've lost their comedic value. We're thankful for that, and it gives us hope that the teleprompter gags will soon peter out as well ...

Yet another break, and Rush was still on this point, acknowledging that "caller abortions" were "offensive" (we were going to let people decide that one on their own, but hey, if Rush says it ...). But what's more offensive, asks Rush: "caller abortions," or the "fact" that Obama voted three times as a state legislator "for legislation that would allow doctors to kill a baby successfully born during an abortion." We're going to have to go with "caller abortions," seeing as the other option didn't actually happen.

Well, that's it. After a show that dealt primarily with sea turtles, autographed dream shoes, and "caller abortions," were prepared to acknowledge that we're a victim of a bad April Fool's prank. Congrats, Rush. You got us. While we dream up our retaliation (flaming bags are not beneath us), please check out Operation Rip Rush Limbaugh Out Of Context, perpetrated by those dastardly villains at Media Matters.

Outrageous statements

LIMBAUGH: All right now, the "Reign of Error" was a report put together -- now, listen to me now --

CALLER: Yeah, yeah.

LIMBAUGH: The "Reign of Error" was a report put together by -- here, Snerdly -- either '93 or '94 by a liberal media watchdog group called -- this is oxymoronic, by the way -- Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting. And what they purported to do was -- there was 24 or 25 items in it in which they accuse me of either lying or making things up. They released this to the Associated Press; the Associated Press ran with it all over the country. We replied with our refutation of every item, and they refused to print it. There's a similar group now called Media Matters for America, which listens to all 15 hours of this program and will pull two seconds of a 10-second point or a monologue, take it totally out of context. The purpose of the "Reign of Error" report, Media Matters, and so forth is to purposely misstate what I have said to ruin my credibility with people who have not listened so as to create the illusion that I am something that I am not among people who -- so they will not listen. The last thing these people want me doing is actually listening to me as you did.

America's Truth Rejector

Wrongly claimed Chrysler is offering to make car payments for those who lose their jobs:

LIMBAUGH: General Motors and Chrysler will pay your car payment up to seven hundred bucks a month for a year -- nine months to a year if you lose your job. But who's paying it? They don't have any money. They got our money in a bailout, Rachel. You and everybody else will be making people's car payments after you pay for their mortgage. This is what it's like, ladies and gentlemen, to see your country disappear before your very eyes. This new plan, by the way, to pay for your car payment -- guess whose idea it was? No, Snerdly, the government's.

Falsely claimed Obama voted to allow doctors to kill babies:

LIMBAUGH: I understand caller abortions are offensive, but then why is Obama to be praised on his anti-life positions? Do you realize that President Obama three times when he was an Illinois senator -- voted for legislation that would allow doctors to kill a baby successfully born during an abortion? Now, what's really controversial, Andrew? A bit about a vacuum cleaner with callers being sucked off a phone or an Illinois state senator who's now voted three times to allow doctors to kill a baby after it's born because the mother wanted an abortion? Ask your students to answer that.

Ego on loan from Narcissus

LIMBAUGH: The other thing I want you to tell these students is that I am a soulmate of theirs. You and your students, because of your age and your future and where you are in life, you're very focused on yourselves as individuals, and I am the greatest asset that individuals in this country have. I believe that the smallest minority in the world is the individual.