This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by the "defense welfare queens"
By Simon Maloy

We've always found it interesting that there is no specific aircraft known as "Air Force One." That designation belongs to any aircraft carrying the president of the United States -- be it the modified 747 that typically shuttles the president around or Calvin Coolidge's custom-built autogyro. Unfortunately, that principle does not apply to The Rush Limbaugh Show -- it continues to be The Rush Limbaugh Show even when Rush decides to take the day off and National Review's Mark Steyn fills in, which means we still have to listen to it.

Steyn kicked off the program expressing his gratitude at being an "exchange student" at the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies. Simultaneously, according to Steyn, President Obama is taking an "immersion course" at the Jacques Chirac school for -- it's not worth repeating, but you know where it's going: the French are weak, and Obama wants to be like the French because he's "apologizing" for America. Anyway, Steyn said he preferred Obama when he was "bowing" to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, because when he's in that position, at least he's not giving another speech, "unless his butt has learned to read the teleprompter."

From that witty little barb, Steyn moved on to North Korea's missile launch this weekend, claiming that the satellite the North Koreans say is playing patriotic songs in space right now is good news for Queen Elizabeth, who's grown weary of listening to Obama's speeches on her new iPod. Steyn also attacked Obama for calling for economic sanctions against North Korea, saying that the North Korean economy is based solely on exporting nuclear secrets and "knock-off Viagra," which is what the United States will get under "socialized medicine."

Then Steyn made the totally original joke that the UN's response to the North Korean launch will be a "strongly worded letter" and attacked The New York Times for reporting that experts said the launch was a "failure" that was "consistent with past North Korean fumbles and suggesting it might reveal a significant quality control problem in one of the world's most isolated nations." Steyn says that's the whole point -- Kim Jong Il is "dangerous" just because he is "an incompetent with nuclear weapons." According to Steyn, he's a "self-taught nuclear madman," and that's worse than a competent nuclear madman. So... a lunatic who is capable of launching a nuclear missile is less dangerous than a lunatic who isn't. To ram this "point" home, Steyn compared it to a 93-year-old woman crossing the median of the New Jersey Turnpike. If she's driving a Toyota Corolla, then it's her problem. But if she's driving an 18-wheeler, then it's your problem. We don't quite know what to make of that, but we're of the opinion that any vehicle crossing the median is generally a bad thing.

Anyway, Steyn's "point," he said, in bringing up the Times article was that back during the Cold War, the "left" was obsessed with nuclear war, but now that Kim Jong Il and "the ayatollahs" have them, the "left" doesn't care.

After a quick break, Steyn returned to highlight a sign of the recession's "bite" -- an AP report on a funding cut for the Plains Visitor Information Center in Georgia, which "pays tribute to" former President Carter. Information centers, according to Steyn, are nothing more than highway rest stops -- toilets. Steyn found it very funny that this is "the least-visited of Georgia's 11 state-run visitor's centers." This went on for several minutes, with Steyn extolling listeners driving through Georgia to use the toilet at the Jimmy Carter information center. Thankfully, he was cut off by a hard break.

Coming back from the commercial, Steyn took a call from a man who wanted to talk about North Korea, Russia, and Obama. Steyn said Obama is wrong on missile defense, and that this is all about credibility -- what must the Russians think when we show "weakness" toward a "nothing state" like North Korea? The caller then said that Obama backs down every time, and it's just like Neville Chamberlain appeasing Hitler. Steyn disagreed, saying that you couldn't really fault politicians like Chamberlain because Hitler quite convincingly presented himself to the world as a relatively normal world leader, and that Hitler wasn't "off-the-charts kooky" like Kim Jong Il is.

From there it was a smooth segue to stories from last week about the British home secretary's husband charging adult movies to the government. Steyn said this is evidence that there's always room for big government to get even bigger.

One more break and one more caller, this one asking why the United States always has to be the one to respond to provocative events like the North Korean missile launch. Steyn's explanation? "The civilized world" can't project power beyond its own borders because America "has chosen, essentially, to make the rest of the rich world defense welfare queens, since 1945 -- defense welfare queens."

Highlights from Hour 1

Outrageous comments

STEYN: What is this country coming to? You know, you go over to West Virginia to -- is it still called West Virginia? Everything else there is named just Robert C. -- after Robert C. Byrd. I don't know why they don't just name the state -- rename the state Robert C. Byrdistan and be done with it, and then you can have the whole thing named after him. But they can -- they've got -- they can build everything. They can spend a fortune on things for Robert C. Byrd, but they cannot keep the Jimmy Carter Memorial toilet open. This is a tragedy, ladies and gentlemen.

[...]

STEYN: The reality is that America has chosen, essentially, to make the rest of the rich world defense welfare queens, since 1945 -- defense welfare queens. People complain about the Europeans' behavior, and they're right to do so, but when you maintain essentially -- a nation, by the way, that doesn't -- can't defend itself, isn't a nation in any meaningful sense. It simply isn't. It simply isn't.

And what do you do, in effect, is maintain them in the geopolitical equivalent of permanent adolescence. And NATO is like one daddy and then a bunch of bratty teenagers who won't move over -- won't move out of the bedroom above the garage, because they've been on defense welfare since 1945.

Who do you think pays for this terrific European health care that Obama wants to introduce here? American taxpayers do, because if you remove the need for a military budget from nations from the public treasury, you'd be surprised at all the other stuff they can afford to fund instead. That's the thing. That's the point here.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Michelle Obama's Christmas bonus
By Simon Maloy

Top of the second hour, Steyn attacked Obama's European "apology tour," claiming that Obama is out there "legitimizing" anti-Americanism. Actually, Obama specifically repudiated anti-Americanism: "But in Europe, there is an anti-Americanism that is at once casual, but can also be insidious. Instead of recognizing the good that America so often does in the world, there have been times where Europeans choose to blame America for much of what is bad." Steyn went on to approvingly cite a bunch of British media reports criticizing or mocking Obama, claiming that these media outlets see Obama for what he is -- "a bore" -- whereas the American media treat him as a rock star and are going out of business. The whole point of this, Steyn said, is that the world has figured out what America has not -- that Obama is "a pushover." All these leaders have to do is give Obama his speech and treat him like a celebrity and they can do whatever they want, said Steyn.

Then Mark Steyn wanted to talk about the conservative blogosphere's shiny new toy from last week -- Obama's bow to the Saudi king. There's no record, said Steyn, of an American head of state bowing to a monarch, and there was something "unusual" and "weird" about the whole thing. We're not sure where hand-holding falls on the spectrum of showing respect to foreign leaders, or on the "unusual" or "weird" scales. Anyway, after relating a protocol breach of his own at Buckingham Palace, Steyn said he could not imagine what was going through Obama's mind as he bowed to the Saudi King, which was "one of the oddest public displays" he's ever seen.

After the break, Steyn took a call from a listener who said it is time for America to pull out of NATO. This is a good point, said Steyn, who said the problem with NATO is that it doesn't make sense in a post-Cold War world. After the caller expressed his desire that the countries of Europe learn to defend themselves from now on, Steyn said that the United States' big accomplishment after World War II was making sure that Europe was never a threat again. Look at Germany, said Steyn: "I mean, it's not just that they hate American troops, they hate their own troops. They're completely mired in this sort of decadent poseur pacifism and have no wish or urge to defend themselves." Steyn's theory was that Europe's declining birth rates mean that there will be no young men to do the fighting in European armies.

After the break, Steyn turned his attention to the new Pew poll showing that "Barack Obama has the most polarized early job approval ratings of any president in the past four decades." According to Steyn, such a partisan gap would have been understandable for Bush or Gore, coming out of the partisan and acrimonious Florida recount. But Obama, according to Steyn, accomplished this on his own, because he and the other right-wingers were "quiet" for his inauguration, and they haven't helped drive up his negatives since. We're not sure on what Steyn based these assertions, but we'd remind him that the person whose show he is guest-hosting quite famously said on January 16: "I hope Obama fails." And since then he hasn't had a whole lot of positive things to say about the new president.

Steyn then took a call from a listerner asking about the upcoming Summit of the Americas. Steyn said it, like other summits, is a "waste of time," explaining that George Bush made a big deal of it in 2001, and then his relationship with Latin America was "not reciprocated" following 9-11.

Another break, and Steyn came back with evidence that the stimulus spending is starting to work -- J. Crew is sold out of a particular sweater Michelle Obama wore on the overseas trip. According to Steyn, the only things "going up" right now are sales of J. Crew sweaters, guns, Ayn Rand books, and AIG bonuses. Steyn then wondered if Michelle Obama wore an AIG bonus at a White House Christmas party and if that's why they are so popular. We considered making a comment on this one -- can't wear a "bonus"; Obama hasn't been in the White House for Christmas yet, etc. -- but we'll just leave it there.

Steyn then took a call from a 13-year-old supporter of Obama's who approved of the president "apologizing" for the Bush administration, and supports the president on other issues that may not look good now, but will reap benefits down the road. Steyn says the problem is that this caller's generation will be known as "The Brokest Generation" because the multi-trillion-dollar budgets represent "the biggest generational, trans-generational theft in the history of mankind."

One more break and one more caller, this one incensed that Obama was talking about a world without nuclear weapons as North Korea was launching this missile. Steyn attacked Obama for wanting to be "community organizer in chief."

Highlights from Hour 2

Outrageous comments

STEYN: Germany has gone from one of the most militarist cultures on the planet, like Japan, to now an utterly pacifist nation. I mean, it's not just that they hate American troops, they hate their own troops. They're completely mired in this sort of decadent poseur pacifism and have no wish or urge to defend themselves. So the thing now is to say to these guys, "Look, you're going to have to get serious." And that is a tough message to deliver.

[...]

STEYN: This president has increased the national debt -- is proposing to increase the national debt within the next five years, more than the combined debt run up by the first 43 presidents. You take every president from George Washington to George W. Bush, you add up all the debt, he's proposing to double what the first four -- the debt accumulated by the first 43 presidents.

This is a terrible thing to do to Shahab's generation. And I know, you know, right now, when you're 13, it seems nice to be standing there waving -- this is the age of a hope-y change and the crowd sings. But at some point, the young -- the 13-year-olds of America have to start getting mad. You know, back in the '60s, back in the '60s, the -- what was it the hippies used to say? Never trust anyone over 30. If I was Shahab, I would say, "Never trust anyone over 13," because the rest of us are stealing from you.

Basically, we're engaging in the biggest generational, trans-generational theft in the history of mankind. You look at the way your parents and your grandparents live. You will having -- you will be driving a -- living in a smaller home and driving a smaller car.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Princess Fluffy Bunny Obama
By Simon Maloy

Steyn got the final hour started by proclaiming that Obama is "way out of his league," as evidenced by his desire to be "community organizer in chief." Steyn was referring to Obama's speech in Prague, in which he called for a "world without nuclear weapons." Obama's comments, according to Steyn, were "beyond pitiful" and made him sound like "the world's oldest 13-year-old." We can only assume that Steyn feels the same way about George Shultz, William J. Perry, Henry Kissinger and Sam Nunn, who last year issued their own call for "A World Free of Nuclear Weapons." Anyway, then Steyn went on to suggest that a nuclear weapon will be used before Obama's time in office is over: "America is the only country that has used nuclear weapons, by the way, so far -- and those are two important words -- because if we get through Obama's term without somebody else using them, that club could be looking a lot less exclusive by the time we get to the end of the Obama administration."

After a quick break, Steyn brought up yet another story that's moved beyond its point of freshness -- reports from last week that the White House accidentally put the number for a phone-sex line on a press release. Steyn managed to breathe some new life into it though: "[I]t's the rest of the world that is getting nasty and that it would be fine if, like, the -- if the White House is going to give out these phone-sex numbers, if the White House is in the, like, dominatrix role, but, right now, it seems to be the rest of the world getting nasty and we're the ones hanging upside down in the bondage dungeon being flogged and humiliated by the rest of the planet."

Then Steyn took yet another call from a man upset at Obama over North Korea and nuclear weapons. Steyn kept it predictable, ranting a little more about how the Russians and Chinese and Iranians are laughing at Obama, he's projecting weakness, etc. Steyn moved on to another call, this one from a college student claiming that it's always the responsibility of Republican presidents to clean up the foreign policy messes begun by Democrats, and, as a consequence, Republicans end up looking like the "mean" party. While we were double-checking the party affiliations of George W. Bush and Barack Obama vis-à-vis the Iraq war, Steyn pronounced that he liked this caller's thinking, explaining: "OK, we are mean. It's a mean world and, sometimes, you need to be mean there if the alternative is Princess Fluffy Bunny wandering around all over the planet pledging to surrender American nuclear weapons."

After another break, Steyn and a caller had a good laugh over the fact that Obama, at his news conference in Strasbourg, said: "It was also interesting to see that political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States Senate. There's a lot of -- I don't know what the term is in Austrian -- wheeling and dealing." There's no such language as Austrian, they clucked. Steyn went on to attack Obama for extolling others to learn to speak a foreign language when he's hasn't done so himself, despite having so many opportunities to do so while attending elite schools. Obama actually has studied foreign languages, though he's not fluent: "Obama picked up Bahasa as a child living in Indonesia and took some Spanish classes in high school and college."

Moving on, Steyn got into an argument with a caller who thought it was "wrong" and "dangerous" for Steyn to say that Obama is getting "rolled" over for the North Korean missile launch. The caller suspected that Steyn would be singing a very different tune if the U.S. had shot down the missile and North Korea invaded South Korea in response. Quite naturally, this devolved into an argument about the invasion of Iraq, with Steyn proclaiming that the reasons we went into Iraq don't matter, it's the result of the invasion that are important. We must say that for someone who appears very concerned about Obama's -- and by extension America's -- credibility on the world stage, Steyn seemed awfully blasé about one of the chief reasons the world casts a wary eye on the U.S. Anyway, Steyn turned all this into an attack on foreign policy "realism," claiming that "serious" national powers "lose credibility" if they allow themselves to be "mocked and nibbled away with impunity." Once again -- invading a country to find non-existent WMDs? Irrelevant. Unchecked mockery and "nibbling"? A serious threat to "credibility."

Steyn closed out the show with a caller who subscribed to Steyn's theory of American Exceptionalism, which boiled down to doing the opposite of what the European Union does. Steyn professed concern because he sees America "embracing" the "death spiral" that is afflicting Canada and Europe, returning to his birth rate argument from earlier in the program.

Well, that's it for us. Rush will be back tomorrow, and we have to say that after three hours of bondage jokes and "Princess Fluffy Bunny," we're actually kind of looking forward to getting back to teleprompter jokes and regular-old "dunce" Obama. And if tomorrow is just too long to wait for your Rush fix, you'd do well to check out Media Matters' highly addictive Limbaugh coverage.

Highlights from Hour 3

Outrageous comments

STEYN: If you were to sit down and design as weak a response to the North Korean test as could be devised, then for the president of the United States to stand up and say he believes in a world without nuclear weapons and that America ought to lead the way because America is the only country that has used nuclear weapons, by the way, so far -- and those are two important words -- because if we get through Obama's term without somebody else using them, that club could be looking a lot less exclusive by the time we get to the end of the Obama administration.

[...]

STEYN: You cannot un-invent nuclear weapons. Instead, what's happened is that anybody who's got the cell phone number of A.Q. Khan in Pakistan and has a few bits and parts that have managed to come his way in the mail from some former Soviet Republic, one of these no-name stans in Central Asia where there's all kinds of bits of Soviet this and Soviet that lying around -- today, anyone can join the nuclear club. You don't have to be a world power.

And so, as I said in the first hour, we're moving into a world, which is absurd on its face, where wealthy nations have no means of defending themselves and basket-case states are going nuclear. And yet, Obama stands up as the world's oldest 13-year-old -- stands up in public and commits himself to a world without nuclear weapons.

[...]

STEYN: Did you see that story the other day? The White House offered this special on-the-record briefing call for journalists with Hillary Rodham Clinton, the secretary of State, and they gave the phone number that you're supposed to call in to have your on-the-record briefing call and, unfortunately, they gave the wrong number out. This is true. They gave the wrong number out, and the gentlemen of the press were greeted by this darkly seductive voice, clearly not Secretary Clinton, offering them phone sex and seeking their credit card if they feel like getting nasty. And of course, you know, the White House subsequently corrected it and gave out the new number.

But the -- but what just strikes you is that right now, it's the rest of the world that is getting nasty and that it would be fine if, like, the -- if the White House is going to give out these phone-sex numbers, if the White House is in the, like, dominatrix role, but, right now, it seems to be the rest of the world getting nasty and we're the ones hanging upside down in the bondage dungeon being flogged and humiliated by the rest of the planet.

[...]

STEYN: If you're designated as the mean, evil party, you might as well run with it. Thanks a lot for your call, Matt, and I wish you well in your studies. And thanks for pointing out to Shahab the many areas in which Shahab might be in for disappointment for the Obama years, but, yeah, that's the thing.

OK, we are mean. It's a mean world and, sometimes, you need to be mean there if the alternative is Princess Fluffy Bunny wandering around all over the planet pledging to surrender American nuclear weapons.