This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by the pirates of ACORN
By Simon Maloy

Happy Friday, everyone. Just three more hours of Limbaugh this week, then all of you can enjoy your weekend. We, however, have top-secret work to do. A certain community activist organization -- let's call it, WALNUT -- has recruited us to infiltrate certain beverage-themed protests next week. Let's call them "coffee klatches." It will require some extensive training, and we don't have a lot of time, but -- well, we've said too much already...

Speaking of community activists, Rush kicked off "Open-Line Friday!" in fine form, dubbing the Somali pirates "merchant marine organizers," because "[t]hey are using the same techniques that community organizers like ACORN and others in this country use." According to Rush, the pirates are community organizers shaking down capitalists. Rush also attacked Time for describing Somalia as "[f]iercely conservative and suspicious of outsiders," and wanted to know why Time didn't just come right out and say that the pirates want Obama to fail. After reading a parody Obama speech posted at ExurbanLeague.com in which Obama "reaches out" to the "moderate" pirates, Rush attacked The New York Times for being "excited" and "enthralled" at the limits of U.S. power against the pirates. Rush said we are not "powerless" against the pirates because the destroyer on the scene could "wipe out" the lifeboat the pirates -- and the hostage captain -- are holed up in. The only sense in which the U.S. is powerless in this situation, according to Rush, is in our "will." The "will" to do what, we're not sure. But if it involves "wiping out" the boat, then we have to wonder how the captain figures into this.

Rush then moved on to White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, playing audio of Gibbs saying that Obama is keeping "apprised" of the pirate situation. According to Rush, this means everyone is "acting presidential" because everyone is staying "apprised" of the situation. Then he attacked David Gergen for saying on CNN that it isn't necessary for Obama to be woken up in the middle of the night over things like the North Korean missile test or the pirate hostage situation, and that he's "smart" not to get in the middle of the pirate situation because "he doesn't want to micromanage that situation. That's what he has a government for." Rush asked if that was the same government that George W. Bush had to handle Hurricane Katrina.

Back from the break, Rush was still "laughing" at Gergen for saying that Obama is "too busy" to be bothered at 3 a.m. by North Korea or pirates. Gergen didn't say that, as we noted above, but rather that Obama shouldn't be woken up at 3 a.m. because of those things. Regardless, Rush said that the Constitution says that the president is commander in chief, and it doesn't say anything about housing or mortgages or anything Obama was talking about, but Gergen said Obama is too busy.

Leading into the break, Rush returned to a call he took yesterday from a college student asking Rush to explain supply-side economics. Rush claimed that Reagan's supply-side economics were responsible for a 25-year economic boom that was demonstrably responsible for increases in standards of living across the world. Now, we're not historians, but we're pretty sure that 25-year period encompassed the presidency of Bill Clinton, and, frankly, we're as shocked as you to hear that he was such a Reaganite. And, as we very much enjoy pointing out, we're anxious to hear how Reagan's tax increases factored into his supply-side revolution. Anyway, Rush theorized that part of the reason people keep forgetting about how fabulous Reagan and his polices were is that Republicans haven't put forth a "capitalist" presidential candidate since the Gipper... Remember, kids, conservatism never fails Republicans; Republicans fail conservatism.

For the rest of the hour, Rush made good on a promise from yesterday, calling back a union man who disagreed with Rush's opinion of unions. He and Rush argued about the role of unions in the economy, with Rush's central contention being that it's impossible for socialist, anti-free market unions to act in the interests of corporations, particularly since they confiscate dues and donate them all to the anti-business "Democrat Party."

Highlights from Hour 1

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: In the first place, we're making a big mistake by calling them the Somali pirates. These are not pirates. These are merchant marine organizers. They are using the same techniques that community organizers like ACORN and others in this country use. So, from now on, to be totally, purely accurate, the Somali pirates on this program -- I'll probably slip up a couple times and call them that -- but, they're going to be known now as the merchant marine organizers.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Bill Clinton's pro-pirate presidency
By Simon Maloy

Kicking off the hour, Rush read from a Toronto Daily Mail article reporting that "TV presenter Claire Sweeney has revealed she was chatted up by Bill Clinton at a fancy dress party." If we had a dollar for every time unsubstantiated allegations of sexual misconduct about Bill Clinton were uncritically repeated on The Rush Limbaugh Show, we wouldn't need to take second jobs secretly infiltrating conservative protests.

Rush spent a (surprisingly) short amount of time on that story, moving on to an update of the Somali pirate hostage situation, noting that the pirates are now demanding a $2 million ransom for their hostage. Rush was insulted, given that other pirates demanded larger ransoms for ships they'd hijacked from other countries. According to Rush, there's $2 million in TARP funds just sitting around they can have. All they have to do is contact Treasury Secretary Geithner and say they're a bunch of "community organizers" that need some infrastructure work done. Then Rush read extensively from a CNN.com story on residents of Hawaii's Kauai island who repaired a state park on their own -- a $4 million job -- for free. Rush loved this story because it means, in his words, "that we don't need government for much of anything!"

After the break, Rush crowed about New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg saying that "pension costs and health care costs for our employees are going to bankrupt this city." Noting that the city budget office estimated that 7,000 job cuts would save $350 million, Rush said that there are going to be even more government job cuts once he "leaves New York" (wait, we thought it was wrong to say he was "leaving") because that will mean less tax revenue for the state, which Gov. David Paterson is happy about. Rush, however, claimed to have "mixed emotions" over all this, because these are, after all, "people," and he hates to see anyone laid off. But at the same time, says Rush, this is an elegant example of liberals admitting that being paid far more than you produce isn't sustainable. He also claimed that New York "won't dare" cut welfare benefits because that would result in "riots." Rush isn't into "vengeance" though, he just feels for these workers because "they've been duped" into believing an economic theory that just isn't true.

This all goes back to the anti-free market unions, according to Rush. Membership is down, and that's why "card check" and illegal immigrants are so important to the Democrats -- more union members at lower wages.

After some more ranting about how liberalism is destroying itself, as evidenced by the fact that the cities with the highest poverty rates are all run by "liberals," Rush took a call from a man hypothesizing that the pirate scourge off the east coast of Africa is the Clintons' fault. Rush absolutely loved this idea, explaining that the only reason we got into Somalia is "because The New York Times published a picture of a starving kid with flies buzzing all around his belly." This, according to Rush, "convinced George Bush 41 we had to send in U.S. military personnel." Wait, we thought it was the Clintons' fault. Anyway, this led to the Battle of Mogadishu and "Black Hawk down," which Limbaugh noted was the reason Osama bin Laden concluded that the United States is a "paper tiger." So now we can add "pirates" to the ever-growing list of things the Clintons and The New York Times are responsible for.

Then Rush went after Hillary Clinton some more for referring to the pirates as "criminals" again. They're not criminals, said Rush, they're terrorists! He continued in this line of thinking after the break, saying that the captain of the USS Cole, who appeared on CNN last night, was also wrong when he said that pirates are criminals, not terrorists. Rush said the captain is also wrong. So don't listen to the secretary of State, and for God's sake don't listen to the military. When it comes to pirates - sorry, "merchant marine organizers" -- it's Rush who knows the score.

Rush closed out the hour by taking a call from a young girl in California who was outraged at the adulation she saw at her school for President Obama, and asked Rush to explain why that adulation exists. Rush explained: "I'll tell you what's driving this among, not only the people that run your school and the students there, but elsewhere where this is the prevailing thought -- and that is a supreme sense of guilt. Slavery is considered to be our original sin. And so, it doesn't matter. The substance of things doesn't matter; the color of his skin is all that does matter."

Highlights from Hour 2

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: The Somali pirates are from where? Somalia. Does the name Mogadishu ring a bell? Mogadishu is the capitol city -- if you want to call it a city -- and it happens to be the site of one of the most embarrassing incidents, not because of the military, but because of the Clinton administration, in modern American military history: Black Hawk down.

We originally went into Somalia because The New York Times published a picture of a starving kid with flies buzzing all around his belly. That picture on the front page of The New York Times convinced George Bush 41 we had to send in U.S. military personnel to deliver meals on wheels.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: The historical aspect is over now. And presidents are not kings, and we don't idolize them, and we don't bow down to them. Apparently, our presidents bow down to Saudi kings.

But, this is a -- this is a -- I'll tell you what's driving this among, not only the people that run your school and the students there, but elsewhere where this is the prevailing thought -- and that is a supreme sense of guilt. Slavery is considered to be our original sin. And so, it doesn't matter. The substance of things doesn't matter; the color of his skin is all that does matter.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Admiral Rush's pirate extermination program
By Simon Maloy

Rush kicked off the final hour with some more attacks on Hillary Clinton, specifically her saying that Iran's latest statements about its nuclear program are not a rebuff to U.S. attempts to engage in diplomacy, and that "we don't know what to believe" about Iran's nuclear claims. Rush suggested that since we don't know, we just take "lunatic" Iranian President Ahmadinejad at his word.

Then it was on to a story on BitterLawyer.com about "one method some women use to get ahead in the corporate world has nothing to do with grades, or professionalism, or hard work -- just fake boobs." Claiming this story "will set feminism back 50 years," Rush read extensively from the article, noting that "a recent Bitter Lawyer poll, 58 percent of those asked said that boob implants could only help a woman's career." Rush concluded: "Can I redirect you to feminist truth number 24 -- undeniable truth of life number 24 -- written by me in the mid-80s? Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society. It's proved practically every day in our modern culture."

El Rushbo then moved on to the LA Times, noting that the front page of yesterday's Times featured an ad for a new NBC show that looked like a newspaper article, and that LA Times staffers objected to the move. Rush was agitated, because that ad -- the fake "news" story -- was probably more accurate than all the "phony" journalism the Los Angeles Times and the rest of the mainstream media put out every day. Rush then listed a litany of "phony" press stories. Global warming stories? "Phony!" Obama stimulus stories? "Phony!" Economic stories in the Bush years? "Phony!" Wormer? He's a dead man! Marmalard? Dead! Neidermeyer! -- sorry, got carried away there a moment.

Back from the break and it was time for another caller, this one upset over $19 million in aid the U.S. is sending to the Palestinians. Rush said we actually gave it to Hamas because -- as "liberals" think -- the "evil" Israelis destroyed Gaza. Rush said he shouldn't be surprised, Obama is wary of Israel and believes in the two-state solution. It's just liberalism acting up again. Then the caller asked if we borrowed the money that we gave to Palestine, and Rush said we probably printed it, adding: "And they say we can't come up with $2 million for the Somali pirates. Hell! We printed $2 million laying over at the FDIC somewhere or Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac." We're not sure why Rush wants the government to come up with the pirates' ransom money.

Speaking of the pirates, Rush offered up his solution for dealing with the pirate problem: "[I]f you really want to stop this, just blow them out of the water." Now, you may be thinking, "That seems problematic, given that it's kinda hard to tell a pirate boat from, say, a fishing boat." Well, don't worry, Rush has that covered: "All you have to do is drop some leaflets or go on television -- go on Al Jazeera or something -- and say, starting Monday morning at 8, we're going to blow out any ship we see in this area. If you're not a pirate and just a fisherman, don't go to sea that day." Of course, for that plan to work, you have to assume that a) every fishermen will see that announcement, b) no pirates will see or hear about that announcement, and c) the fishermen don't end up concluding that they'd rather risk death on the high seas than give up their livelihood in a poverty-wracked part of the world. Other than that, a fine plan.

Then it was time for some Cadillac-sized hypocrisy, as Rush offered a full-throated endorsement of General Motors' Total Confidence Plan, in which GM will make your car payments for you for a limited time if you lose your job. Rush lauded them for "trying to get started and kick-start a rally." As devoted Limbaugh Wire readers can tell you, not two weeks ago, Rush lambasted GM for this very same program, saying: "Yeah, OK, well -- ask you a question here: With whose money are they going to pay for your car payment? Mine, dingleberry, and every other taxpayer's."

Rush returned from the break with some more attacks on Democrats over immigration policy, claiming that "amnesty" is designed to expand the "Democrat Party" and kill the Republican Party, and that the Republicans' response is self-defeating. Then he took a call from a man who professed to be tired of hearing Americans complaining about their jobs being outsourced, saying they should invest in corporate America and become shareholders. Rush said jobs are outsourced for economic reasons: "[I]f you're sitting out waiting for a job that's now being done by a slumdog in India, and you're waiting for that job to be canceled, for the slumdog to be thrown out of work and you to get the job -- it ain't gonna happen. It's not the way economics works."

Rush then took a call from another young woman, this one from Minnesota, who had recently attended a cap-and-trade townhall hosted by Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). She wanted to tell Rush about the "rude" liberals at the event who disrupted everything. Rush said they're probably ACORN. In all seriousness, it really is amazing to us the capacity for mischief Rush and his ilk can ascribe to ACORN. If they're not secretly infiltrating conservative protests, they're overtly infiltrating conservative townhall meetings, and all the while continuing to act in concert with Barney Frank and Chris Dodd to destroy the U.S. economy.

Rush closed out the show with another young caller, this one a student from Los Angeles who also was concerned at the "sensationalizing" of Obama in schools. Rush said "this is part of the plan." He didn't explain whose plan, or what the plan was, but we're confident it involves ACORN.

Well, that's it for this week. We're going off to an undisclosed location for a couple of days for our "training." When you next see us, we'll be throwing flaming copies of Atlas Shrugged at Fox News cameras. We hope to see you next week. Until then, you know what to do -- read up on Media Matters' carefully crafted and expertly researched Limbaugh coverage.

Highlights from Hour 3

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: We don't have any money. Where are we getting the money for General Motors? Where are we getting the money for the banks? Where are we getting -- we're printing it.

CALLER: Exactly. I mean, so we should print more --

LIMBAUGH: And they say we can't come up with $2 million for the Somali pirates. Hell! We printed $2 million laying over at the FDIC somewhere or Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.

Blow them out of water

LIMBAUGH: I read the other day that naval and maritime experts had said that it would take 61 ships to surround and patrol the area where the marine organizers from Somalia are working. And you know, you would think -- OK, if you really want to stop this, just blow them out of the water. Just -- for just a week, everyone you find, blow them out of the water.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: So, they're on these little beat-up trollers that used to look like fishing ships, and until they make a move, you have no idea whether they're pirates or fishermen. So, you just can't start indiscriminately blowing them out of the water. Yes, you could.

All you have to do is drop some leaflets or go on television -- go on Al Jazeera or something -- and say, starting Monday morning at 8, we're going to blow out any ship we see in this area. If you're not a pirate and just a fisherman, don't go to sea that day.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: The whole thing about outsourcing -- even President Obama slipped up. I love this 'cause the teleprompter -- that teleprompter sometimes sneaks things in there that are not in Obama's best interest to say, but the teleprompter nevertheless makes him say them. And Obama got a -- he got a call during his virtual town meeting about outsourcing jobs. He said, "Look, those jobs aren't coming back."

There's a reason they aren't coming back. They're outsourced for a reason -- an economic reason. And they're not coming back. And if you're sitting out waiting for a job that's now being done by a slumdog in India, and you're waiting for that job to be canceled, for the slumdog to be thrown out of work and you to get the job -- it ain't gonna happen. It's not the way economics works. Even Obama's teleprompter got him to admit that.

America's Truth Rejector

Reversed himself on the GM payment plan for people who lose their jobs:

LIMBAUGH: So, you know, GM, Cadillac, all their brands, they're trying to revive. They're trying to get started and kick-start a rally. And they're trying to reinvent the ownership experience when you buy a car from them. And they've come up with something called the Total Confidence Plan.

It starts with a fully backed five-year, 100,000-mile powertrain limited warranty, whichever comes first, and then, of course, On Star, which is standard on every Cadillac model, that safety and security for a full year. On Star is incredible by the way.

But this is where it gets interesting. If you buy a new Cadillac, they will help protect its retail value and trading time, and if you lose your job -- like if you're one of the 7,000 laid off in New York -- Cadillac will make your payments up to $500 a month for up to nine months. So go to CadillacConfidence.com -- all details and limitations are there. You have to -- there are some restrictions. You got to take delivery of your new car by April 30th. You can see a participating dealer for details.

But this is one of the things they're trying, making your payments up to $500 a month for nine months.

Ladies' man

LIMBAUGH: This is a strange piece, but, nevertheless, this piece, if it gets wide distribution, will set feminism back 50 years.

It's a story from a website called BitterLawyer.com -- BitterLawyer.com: "Law professors won't tell their female students this, but one method some women use to get ahead in the corporate world has nothing to do with grades, or professionalism, or hard work -- just fake boobs. In a recent Bitter Lawyer poll, 58 percent of those asked said that boob implants could only help a woman's career, the remainder of respondents were split on the matter. Just over 23 percent of those polled paid -- said that such cosmetic changes were 'irrelevant.' "

[...]

LIMBAUGH: Can I redirect you to feminist truth number 24 -- undeniable truth of life number 24 -- written by me in the mid-80s? Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society. It's proved practically every day in our modern culture.

Clips from this hour:

Discussing breast implants, Limbaugh again claims "feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society"

Discussing immigration, Limbaugh claims "Democrat [sic] Party way is to destroy the U.S. culture in order to get votes"

Limbaugh "shocked" and "angry" that Somali pirates' bounty for hostage is only $2 million

Limbaugh on Somali pirates: "They are using the same techniques that community organizers like ACORN and others in this country use"