This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by President Obama's hypnotic head movements
By Simon Maloy

We found ourselves amused the other day when Rush listed the people the media are "kneecapping" because they can "articulate conservatism," and included on that list Joe the Plumber. We found this amusing because Mr. the Plumber's advocacy on behalf of conservatism has been, at various times, creepy, too absurd for Fox News, and admittedly uninformed. Well, you can imagine how entertained we are by the news that Mr. the Plumber is quitting the GOP because it spent too much. We're interested to hear Rush's thoughts on how the GOP will fare without this leading light of conservatism, but we'll have to wait until he gets back on Monday. Until then, we'll have to make do with our favorite guest host, National Review's Mark Steyn.

Steyn kicked things off with the favorite conservative chew toy of the moment: Obama's decision to scale back the National Day of Prayer celebration at the White House. Steyn noted that Obama is going to celebrate privately, which will entail Obama going to the press room and having the White House press corps bow before him. Then Steyn noted that Maine had approved gay marriage, saying that he had "misread" a New York Times headline as suggesting that Obama is gay and should get "engaged," adding: "I was going to suggest we take a few suggestions as to who he might like to -- actually, politically, he seems pretty nicely hitched with Barney Frank at the moment, so we wouldn't want to break up that happy couple."

Then Steyn said he bumped into Alan Colmes yesterday, who asked him if he was guest-hosting for Rush today because Rush is in hiding after Colin Powell's "devastating assault." Steyn jokingly said yes, describing Powell's remarks as akin to being headbutted by a butterscotch pudding. Steyn said that Powell is a moderate, but it's never clear what his moderation entails. Steyn then mocked Powell for going on Meet the Press after September 11 and saying that he's interested in reaching out to moderate members of the Taliban in a "broad-based government." Steyn added: "Of course, there's no such thing as a Taliban government based on broads. There's no broads at all in the Taliban government. There's no Hillary Clinton, no Janet Napolitano -- it's a broad-free zone. It's not going to happen." Hilarious.

Anyway, Steyn went on to say that he's been hearing this sort of stuff from Powell for a decade, noting that Powell was a speaker at the 2000 Republican National Convention, which he said was all about feeling good with "wall-to-wall gays, wall-to-wall Hispanics, everything on stage except white men." Steyn said that he was longing for some red-meat attacks at the convention, and he finally got some from Powell, who eviscerated Republicans in his speech. Powell voted for Obama, Steyn said, because he thought Obama was a centrist moderate. There is no such Obama, Steyn said -- if you voted for him because you thought he was a leftist, then you understood him. If you voted for him because you thought he was a centrist, then you got suckered.

After the break, Steyn said there's a basic lesson to be learned from Powell's remarks -- effective political leaders move the center toward them, just like Reagan and Thatcher did. Steyn asked to imagine where Obama thinks the "center" of American politics is, given that he lived in the "hothouse leftist" environment of Chicago universities with Jeremiah Wright. The problem with the developed world, said Steyn, is that they've gone down the Colin Powell route -- both parties in all systems have agreed to spend more money than they can afford. A two-party system needs two parties, not one-and-a-half, said Steyn, and that's the Colin Powell solution. What the American people want, according to Steyn, is what Rush is doing and what Mark Davis is writing about.

After the break, Steyn joked about the "anthropomorphized SUV," reading a story with the headline: "SUV Runs into Apartment, Flees Scene." According to Steyn, the tyranny of SUV home invasions will abate after Obama's plans for the car industry come to fruition because we'll all be driving the Subaru Cupholder.

Then Steyn moved on to his first caller of the program, a man who disagreed with the notion of "balance" as it applies to the Republican Party, saying it's akin to "Eastern mysticism," like "Mr. Miyagi." Steyn agreed, explaining that he was once on an NPR call-in show, and everyone who called in sounded like they were heavily sedated and they all had the soporific moderate voice. The whole idea of being "balanced" is a "child's" notion, said Steyn.

Steyn's next caller, however, disagreed, saying that the idea that anything that isn't explicitly conservative by Rush Limbaugh's standards is therefore "liberal" serves talk radio interests, but it doesn't serve the national interest. Steyn disagreed, saying that if you took Rush's audience out of the voting booths, you wouldn't have much of a conservative base left. Also, said Steyn, sometimes being out of power and extreme is a good thing because a strong, vocal minority can keep the majority on their toes. Imagine, Steyn said, if talk radio and Fox News were not a part of American history -- the moderates in the GOP would be even "squishier" without someone to tug them to the right. The caller responded by saying that the profitability of the conservative movement will remain intact no matter how marginal the Republicans become, but Americans aren't buying it when people like Rush and Steyn go on the air and scream about Barack Obama being a huge commie. Steyn was amused by this, and promised to continue the discussion after the break.

As promised, after the break, Steyn returned to the caller, saying that the caller's problem is that he has one sound point -- that people raging about Obama being the communist in chief doesn't really reach people -- but the fact is that Obama's policies don't resonate with the American people. The caller said that the idea that doesn't resonate with Americans is that Obama is a socialist because he opposes torture and wants to increase the top tax rate by 4 percent. At this point, the caller was mysteriously lost, so Steyn took the opportunity to say that Obama is a genius because he's very gauzy in his public statements, like putting Vaseline on the camera lens. Obama's trick, according to Steyn, is that he "hypnoti[zes]" the American people with his head.

No, seriously, he hypnotizes America with his head: "You know, he's got the left teleprompter and the right teleprompter, and he turns his head left, right, left, right, left, right. It's like when you're watching the U.S. Open or Wimbledon, and you see the person sitting just by the net turning their head watching the volleys left, right, left, right. 'You are feeling sleepy. You are feeling drowsy. He's very calm. He's very thoughtful. There's nothing to be scared about. Don't worry about it.' If you can pass yourself off as moderate, if you can appear moderate while doing radical things -- that is ingenious."

As a colleague pointed out, after that caller, we're pretty sure the call screener was fired.

Highlights from Hour 1

Outrageous comments

STEYN: The New York Times has a story here, headlined, "With Gay Issues in View, Obama is Pressed to Engage." I misread that, I confess, when I first saw it in The New York Times this morning. I thought it said, "With Gay Issues in View, Obama is Pressed to Get Engaged," and I was going to suggest we take a few suggestions as to who he might like to -- actually, politically, he seems pretty nicely hitched with Barney Frank at the moment, so we wouldn't want to break up that happy couple.

[...]

STEYN: He was interested in reaching out to moderate Taliban -- moderate Taliban in a, quote, "broad-based government." Of course, there's no such thing as a Taliban government based on broads. There's no broads at all in the Taliban government. There's no Hillary Clinton, no Janet Napolitano -- it's a broad-free zone. It's not going to happen.

[...]

STEYN: I think the first time I heard Colin Powell do this nonsense was at the Republican Convention in Philadelphia in 2000. He gave the keynote address. I don't know why, no idea why. I don't know whether you remember that convention. It's was all very positive, nothing mean-spirited at all. It was all celebrate diversity. They had -- it was like wall-to-wall gays, wall-to-wall Hispanics, everything on stage except white men.

I bumped into my senator from New Hampshire, Bob Smith, at an event downtown in Philadelphia during the convention. I said, "How are you enjoying the convention?" And he said, "Well, I haven't succeeded in getting in yet. I went there and they turned me away at the gate." And obviously, he has -- he had this exotic name like Bob Smith, and he just couldn't get in there with all these gays, and Hispanics, and everyone they had on the stage. They had a blind mountaineer. Do you remember that? They had a blind mountaineer there.

[...]

STEYN: Apart from anything else, he -- he's -- there's something very hypnotic about watching him. He turns. You know, he's got the left teleprompter and the right teleprompter, and he turns his head left, right, left, right, left, right.

It's like when you're watching the U.S. Open or Wimbledon, and you see the person sitting just by the net turning their head watching the volleys left, right, left, right. "You are feeling sleepy. You are feeling drowsy. He's very calm. He's very thoughtful. There's nothing to be scared about. Don't worry about it."

If you can pass yourself off as moderate, if you can appear moderate while doing radical things -- that is ingenious.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Obama's extremist mustard
By Simon Maloy

At the top of the second hour, Steyn was still responding to his last caller, objecting to the idea that the opposite of moderation is extremism. It's a notion that is fostered by the media -- just look at the New York Times' 2007 profile of Colin Powell. They said that Powell is a "moderate" because he "has supported abortion rights and affirmative action." This illustrates the nonsense of speaking in terms of "moderate" and "extreme," said Steyn.

It's better to speak in terms of what's right and wrong. Look, he said, at the nuclear bombing of Japan -- that was extreme, but it was the right thing to do to end the war. Obama uses the same rationale on economic issues, Steyn said -- spending billions in stimulus and firing the CEOs of car companies are extreme measures, but he says they're the right thing to do. The idea, Steyn said, that the left is moderate and non-ideological -- and therefore anything the right does is off-the-charts extreme -- is what is ruining political debate. Rush made this point yesterday, Steyn said, when he was talking about the "beliefs" of the left. They don't want to get hung up on facts and details, they just have an emotional response. It's like recycling, Steyn said -- you can tell people that it's a "racket" and that half the stuff you put in the recycling bins doesn't get recycled anyway, but it doesn't matter. They treat it as an act of faith and are impervious to reason.

Steyn then pronounced it "weird" that conservatives should be expected to meet liberals half way on policy issues. Steyn said America is just catching up to Scandinavia in terms of government policy, and the evidence is pretty clear as to where such policy leads. The problem facing the Western world, Steyn said, is that it is collectively spending more money than it can afford, and when you get into that hole, it takes a long time to get out. Basically, Steyn said, Obama is saying that the U.S. will be the last advanced nation to try everything that has failed everywhere else.

After the break, Steyn took a caller asking for his opinion on Obama not celebrating the National Day of Prayer. Steyn said this is a complicated matter for Democrats because they hated George W. Bush's professions of faith, and a "lot of people in the Obama base are not comfortable with public expression of religion." Then Steyn went the Fox Nation route, tying this to Jeremiah Wright, saying that Obama's attendance in Wright's church "was just a sort of necessary political feint if you want to advance your career in that particular section of Chicago." Steyn added: "I think actually he's essentially someone who genuflects the faith when it's convenient, as he did with Jeremiah Wright -- but, you know, that isn't really a bad thing -- but I think it's, you know, I think it tells us a lot. It's something different about the character of this president and the previous one."

Steyn then took another caller, this one saying that he would like to see conservatives speak more economic truth to Americans and explain that raising corporate taxes will inevitably lead companies to cut costs, and the first cost they'll cut will inevitably be labor. Steyn said the basic reality is that a lot of people seem to think that non-human entities can pay taxes, but all tax burden is inevitably paid by human beings.

Back from the break, Steyn repeated a tired conservative distortion -- that the United States has the second-highest corporate tax rate in the world. In fact, when you factor in deductions, deferrals, etc., the effective corporate tax rate is lower than most of Europe. Nonetheless, Steyn tied this to his "humans pay taxes" argument from before the break. Then it was time for another caller, this one also wishing to disagree with the caller from the first hour, saying that Rush's arguments are based on logic, reason, and the Constitution, and the day we start calling the Constitution extremist, we're in big trouble. We're unsure how Rush's argument that Obama is creating a "police state" is logical, reasonable, or based on the Constitution. Nevertheless, Steyn said this was a "good point," explaining that he thinks "a lot of liberal progressives don't think that the Constitution is a founding document that in a sense is there for all time. But they have a kind of semi-European way of looking at it that it should be -- that it's basically a work in progress that you should be able to make mean whatever you want." Steyn added that "liberal Democrats" are "very good at subverting" the Constitution, because they find "judges who will claim to be able to detect rights to partial birth abortion or gay marriage or whatever." Steyn also theorized that liberals will eventually "detect" in the Constitution a right to "consensual adult incest."

Before leading into the break, Steyn said the reason America has held together is because it was established as a federation with a weaker central government. Steyn added: "Now we're hearing that the solution to everything is big, national, federal solutions. You're at a grade school in South Carolina and you've got peeling paint on the walls, call 1-800-OBAMA and he'll send you some money from Washington. That is a recipe eventually for the crack up of this country."

One more break and Steyn came back noting that the New York Post reported that a cow had escaped in Queens and was running through the streets of New York. Steyn theorized that the cow was trying to make it down to the burger joint in Arlington that Obama patronized the other day so that the president would eat it. Once he was through laughing at his own, um, "joke," Steyn noted that Obama had Dijon mustard on his burger, adding: "John Kerry couldn't get away with that stuff, but he makes it seem like just like a regular thing to do."

Having Dijon mustard is not a regular thing to do? Wait... we think we get it. Steyn is saying that eating Dijon mustard is "extreme," but the president thinks it's the "right" thing to do.

Highlights from Hour 2

Outrageous comments

STEYN: A lot of people in the Obama base are not comfortable with public expression of religion. I don't think, myself -- you know, none of us know this, but I don't think -- I, personally, wouldn't sit 20 minutes in Jeremiah Wright's church.

And so, when a guy sits there for 20 years but then claims, "Oh, God damn, America, Sunday? Oh, sorry, I must have missed that one." And the one where he said AIDS was a plot by the U.S. government to decimate the African-American population? "I think I must have been out of town for that one, too." Oh, and what was the one where he said we shouldn't have -- what we got it coming on September 11th? "Oh, no, I wasn't there for that either."

So, essentially, this guy he claimed is his spiritual mentor and who was responsible for the -- married him, responsible for the spiritual education of his children, he had to disown him. I think that was -- I don't seriously think Barack Obama paid that much attention to what Jeremiah Wright was saying, and I -- no doubt, when he did the "God damn America" riff and the little dance, maybe Barack Obama was the only guy in the church sitting on his hands.

But, clearly, his reason for being there, if it wasn't that he agreed with Jeremiah Wright on all these matters of faith, it was that it was just a sort of necessary political feint if you want to advance your career in that particular section of Chicago. I don't think he wants to get into all that again, so the idea of having to get up there, have a big formal breakfast with different leaders, I just don't think that's Obama's bag. I don't think he's -- I think actually he's essentially someone who genuflects the faith when it's convenient, as he did with Jeremiah Wright -- but, you know, that isn't really a bad thing -- but I think it's, you know, I think it tells us a lot. It's something different about the character of this president and the previous one.

[...]

STEYN: I think that a lot of liberal progressives don't think that the Constitution is a founding document that in a sense is there for all time. But they have a kind of semi-European way of looking at it that it should be -- that it's basically a work in progress that you should be able to make mean whatever you want. And one of the problems I think that conservatives have is that the minute you say "Constitution" to liberal Democrats, they roll their eyes. They're very good at subverting it. They're very good at finding judges who will claim to be able to detect rights to partial birth abortion or gay marriage or whatever in the Constitution.

[...]

STEYN: Now we're hearing that the solution to everything is big, national, federal solutions. You're at a grade school in South Carolina and you've got peeling paint on the walls, call 1-800-OBAMA and he'll send you some money from Washington. That is a recipe eventually for the crack up of this country.

[...]

STEYN: It was wonderful watching the coverage of the hamburger visit. He's amazing, Obama. This coverage -- he's a regular guy. He eats a hamburger with Dijon mustard -- Dijon mustard. John Kerry couldn't get away with that stuff, but he makes it seem like just like a regular thing to do. Now there's -- I see that some of the left-wing commentators are saying, "Why are people making a fuss about the Dijon mustard?" but that's just an example of the way Obama is able to enlighten us.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by marriage in California -- safely "de-gay[ed]"
By Simon Maloy

Steyn got the final hour going with some more jokes about Obama and Dijon mustard that were of the same caliber as the previous hour's zingers, saying that he resented, as a "foreigner," Obama crashing in as the spokesman for Dijon mustard, which was usually reserved for British actors. He does a great job appearing normal, Steyn said -- he goes on dates with his wife, and Michelle wears dresses, just like humans do.

Then it was on to Miss California, who we're still talking about for some reason. Steyn said that she has the same position on gay marriage as Obama, and yet she's being vilified as an intolerant monster. What's happened, said Steyn, is that the courts have made it possible for Democrats to move slightly to the right on gay marriage, thereby making gay marriage the norm, which renders those who oppose gay marriage "extreme" homophobes. So, Steyn said, Obama can get away with saying he supports full rights for homosexuals but not marriage because a) people know he's lying, and b) the courts are too his left, so he appears to be a moderate centrist. Steyn then wondered why, if gay marriage is allegedly such a loser for Republicans and social conservatives, Obama doesn't come right out and support gay marriage. It's not in his interest, Steyn said, because he wants to appear moderate.

After the break, Steyn professed his admiration for Obama's refusal to pretend to be rural, saying that he's "very urban with his Grey Poupon." Then he took a call from a man who professed to know why Obama has the position he does on gay marriage -- because he's a "crypto-communist," but Saul Alinsky told him to look like a moderate. Steyn said he's right, Obama has to appear as a moderate in order to do all the radical things he wants to do. We have to add at this point that if Steyn and his ilk are upset that they're being labeled extremists while liberals are called moderates, it's best not to agree with people who refer to the president as a "crypto-communist." In fact, we should probably credit the much-maligned caller from the first hour who made that exact point for us.

Anyway, Steyn explained that liberals have been able to co-opt the English language to the point that now you can't talk about immigration or gay marriage without being called a racist or a homophobe. In fact, Steyn said, terms like "homophobe" and "Islamophobe" were designed to make it seem like those on the receiving end of these terms have a mental disorder. It's a way of making intelligent discussion unnecessary, said Steyn.

Another break and Steyn was back with a caller, this one claiming that the reason Obama is getting a pass from liberals on gay marriage is because the black population "as a whole" do not support gay marriage. Steyn said he thinks she's right -- in California there were "gay-black rumbles" in the streets over Proposition 8 "because the black turnout that came out in November to vote for Obama also stayed in the voting booth long enough to support Proposition 8 de-gaying marriage."

Steyn's next caller said that the argument "they" -- meaning homosexuals -- are using is that they can do marriage "better" than heterosexuals, and if that's the case, why not get rid of corporations and just form partnerships? Steyn said this caller was right, and that there is actually opposition to gay marriage from inside the gay community because marriage is viewed as "straight." This is all about "put[ting] fundamental societal institutions up for big, broad redefinition," Steyn said, adding: "[T]here's no real argument against polygamy once you've approved of gay marriage." Why stop at polygamy, Mark? The pros like Bill O'Reilly take the extra step, prophesizing marriage to goats, ducks, and dolphins. Polygamy? That's bush league.

Steyn took one more caller before the break who said that there is no such thing as a moderate position -- it's like "yin and yang," and trying to get the Republicans to act like Democrats destroys the "balance" of yin and yang. Steyn responded: "Right, that's what we were talking about earlier." Actually, no, that's not what he was talking about earlier. Earlier, Steyn specifically derided the Eastern notion of "balance" as stupid and something for a "child." Regardless, Steyn noted that the caller was from California -- "gay marriage ground zero" -- and that the state has learned that when they have a governor who professes to be a fiscal conservative and a social liberal, the fiscal conservatism disappears because social liberalism is expensive.

One more break and Steyn was back, talking up a BBC news report that an "expedition team which set sail from Plymouth on a 5,000-mile carbon emission-free trip to Greenland have been rescued by an oil tanker." Steyn said this is a "metaphor" for "eco-fetishism," and that we don't move forward by taking steps backward, like relying on wind and solar power. Then Steyn noted that when he gets to the final hour of these guest-hosting gigs, he's often deluged by inquiries from listeners who want to know if the great American experiment is over. We view this as a logical outcome, given that Steyn has spent a great deal of the show saying that Obama's policies will unravel the fabric of the nation. Steyn said that his listeners have to read Alexis de Tocqueville, who said that "the strength of this country is in trusting its people and in trusting its -- the natural competition of a federalist system." Steyn said he had no objection if individual states like California wanted to destroy themselves, but "[w]here it all gets very dangerous is when you have a president and a Democratic Congress who are essentially committed to federal annexation. Federal annexation -- ensuring that there's a kind of one-size-fits-all model across the country is going to put a big question mark over America."

So we guess his response to those concerned listeners is: "almost." Very reassuring.

Well, we've made it through another Mark Steyn extravaganza relatively unscathed. Hell, we actually learned something today -- Dijon mustard is "urban" and not "regular." We plan to test this theory in a matter befitting a liberal elitist -- by sending an intern to a Food City in rural Virginia to see if they carry Grey Poupon, while we remain safely inside the Beltway eating brie-stuffed lobster. We'll report back tomorrow, just in time to listen to Mark Davis' turn behind the golden microphone. We hope you'll join us, and, until then, please take a gander at Media Matters' slightly granular and moderately spicy Limbaugh archives.

Highlights from Hour 3

Outrageous comments

STEYN: That's actually why Proposition 8 passed in California; it's because the black turnout that came out in November to vote for Obama also stayed in the voting booth long enough to support Proposition 8 de-gaying marriage.

[...]

STEYN: But I think, at heart, what it does is it puts fundamental societal institutions up for big, broad redefinition. I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago that in Canada, there's a polygamy suit before the Supreme Court now -- working its way to the Supreme Court -- which there's no real argument against polygamy once you've approved of gay marriage.

Basically, every argument you make in favor of gay marriage also applies to polygamy, that there's no end. Once you start redefining societal institutions that predate every nation-state on the planet, then there's no end to it.

[...]

STEYN: If you go back and you read Tocqueville 200 years ago, you will understand that the strength of this country is in trusting its people and in trusting its -- the natural competition of a federalist system. Now I've got no objection if Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to destroy California. If he wants to take the Golden State and turn it into one giant rust bucket, that's between him and the Californian people. And likewise, if somebody in South Dakota, or somebody in Idaho, or somebody in Alabama, or somebody in Maine wants to try a completely different way of governing, that is between them and their electorate.

Where it all gets very dangerous is when you have a president and a Democratic Congress who are essentially committed to federal annexation. Federal annexation -- ensuring that there's a kind of one-size-fits-all model across the country is going to put a big question mark over America.