This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by "warriorette" Liz Cheney's "truth" tour
By Simon Maloy

Happy "Open Line Friday!" everyone. It's that special day of every week when Rush pretends to turn over programming decisions to the Dittohead nation, who usually take this rare opportunity to call in and repeat back to Rush exactly what he said a few minutes earlier, albeit slightly rephrased, and then Rush praises them for the excellent point they've just made. You don't get to call yourself the Excellence in Broadcasting network for nothing, folks ...

Rush got things started in fine form, saying that there are a number of Americans who won't be celebrating Memorial Day on Monday. Instead, Rush theorized, they'll be celebrating the fact that President Obama's birthday is exactly 40 days from Monday. Get it? They love Obama so much that they'll celebrate his birthday over a month in advance. I'll wait for you to finish slapping your knees. Once again, you don't get to call yourself the Excellence in Broadcasting network for nothing.

Then Rush noted that Obama delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy today, saying that Obama offered his usual hit piece on capitalism, individual achievement, etc. But Obama also said for the second day in a row, Rush noticed, that he will do whatever it takes to protect the American people. According to Rush, if you have to say this as president, then there must be some doubt that you actually can protect the American people. We assume Rush felt the same of George W. Bush when he said on September 26, 2006: "This government is going to do whatever it takes to protect this homeland. We're not going to let their excuses stop us from staying on the offense. The best way to protect America is defeat these killers overseas so we do not have to face them here at home. We're not going to let lies and propaganda by the enemy dictate how we win this war." Rush said that there's something Obama keeps saying in his speeches that is starting to irritate him -- he keeps blaming everything on the previous administration. The secret to Obama, Rush said, is that people think he's so smart because he doesn't say anything you don't already know.

Then it was tortured metaphor time once again on The Rush Limbaugh Show, as Rush explained that he likes to relate things happening in politics to sports. The economic news today, Rush said, is horrible, and presidents are typically linked inexorably to the performance of the economy. In this way, Rush said, Obama is like a new football coach who is 0-4, but looking at the mess he's created, what does he do? He bashes Bush, the previous coach. He wants to make everyone think he has nothing to do with the team being 0-4, even though he's the head coach. So Rush offered some advice to the rookie coaches in the NFL this year: If your team instantly implodes, it's very simple what you do -- blame your predecessor, and give speeches instead of holding team meetings. It's the equivalent of Obama blaming Bush.

It strikes us that for this metaphor to work, the previous coach would have to have gambled away the team payroll, pawned all the training equipment, and set fire to the stadium.

After the break, Rush touched on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's remarks today, specifically her refusal to offer further comment on her allegation that the CIA misled Congress on the harsh interrogation techniques. Rush said he wasn't surprised that Pelosi declined further comment because she knows that she has a "pliant media" that will "obey" her.

After another break, Rush offered an extended paean to Liz Cheney, who he referred to as a "warriorette" for her frequently televised defenses of her father's defense of harsh interrogations. Rush said that she is offering a "blueprint" for how Republicans should take on the "ignorant" liberals in the media like NBC's Lawrence O'Donnell and Donnie Deutsch. After airing several sound bytes of Liz Cheney's many media appearances over the past couple of days, Rush said that she is making it clear that the Democrats don't want to end the torture debate, they just want to politicize it. Liberalism itself is in "quicksand," said Rush, and Liz Cheney is going on these liberal media programs by herself and "wiping out" these people with something as simple as the truth.

One more break and Rush was back with his first caller, a man who professed to be terrified of Obama the "Marxist," and explained that even though he didn't like Bill Clinton either, Clinton was "a zillion times better" than Obama. Rush said that this proves that nostalgia only touches on the favorable. We're not entirely sure the caller was "nostalgic" for Clinton, but Rush soldiered on, saying that the caller had to remember that Bill Clinton wanted to do everything Obama is doing. If Clinton had succeeded with universal health care, all the other dominoes would have fallen. Clinton, said Rush, had every bit the intention of growing government and raising taxes as Obama does, and Clinton was just as adept as Obama at blaming the Bush that preceded him. Rush added: "We were saved -- people forget this, Adam, but we were saved by Monica Lewinsky and the intern pool. We don't know yet if the intern pool in the Obama White House is going to be as effective in derailing him as Lewinsky was in derailing Clinton, but you can't count on that much history detail to repeat itself."

Closing out the hour, Rush teased us by declaring that counterfeiting should be made legal. We're anxious to see how that one plays out.

Highlights from Hour 1

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: We're just going to have to wait and see here. We were saved -- people forget this, Adam, but we were saved by Monica Lewinsky and the intern pool. We don't know yet if the intern pool in the Obama White House is going to be as effective in derailing him as Lewinsky was in derailing Clinton, but you can't count on that much history detail to repeat itself.

Echo chamber

Effusive praise for Liz Cheney:

LIMBAUGH: What Liz Cheney is pointing out -- "Look, Obama can settle this argument. Obama can settle it by releasing the memos my dad says he saw. And if those memos don't say what my dad says he saw, then guess what? My dad's going to be perceived as wrong. But if those memos do say what my dad says, then Obama's going to be the one that's misrepresented." But Donny, don't argue with me; just have Obama release the memos. The truth is there. It's the White House that's preventing us from knowing it.

Now, she's got guts and courage here. I've -- she's -- I was her dinner partner one night out in Wyoming at a dinner. It was a social thing; it wasn't a political thing. But as you can expect, political things ended up being discussed, and she was on fire. I mean, this woman is committed. She is informed. She is -- she's a warrior, a warriorette on this stuff, and it's great that she's out doing this now.

Somebody made the point today -- I forget who -- but we've had all of these presidential children and the sons of presidents, you know, a dime a dozen. They've come and gone, daughters and so forth, and they've always held out potential. But Liz Cheney happens to be the most worthwhile in terms of a political asset to her father: vocal, intelligent, and effective. And it -- this is so breathtaking to watch because it is a seminar on how any Republican appearing on any of these shows with any of these bumblehead liberals can handle them.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by America's linguine-spined college students
By Simon Maloy

Rush got the second hour started not by expounding on his recommendation that counterfeiting be made legal, but instead with a Drudge special -- a story from NBC Washington claiming that a field trip of kindergarteners was turned away from the White House after their buses showed up late, the reason being that the White House "needed to get ready for the president's event with the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers." Rush said that the long-term psychological effects of this on the kids are likely incalculable.

To reinforce this "point," Rush read from an Associated Press article which reported that the "vast majority of college students are feeling stressed these days, and significant numbers are at risk of depression." Rush was shocked that all these students are depressed in the time of Obama's hope and change. What explains this depression? Rush said he has the answer -- the people in this poll have more than likely been to their share of self-esteem classes and have been told how wonderful and special they are. That's why they're coming out of college as "mental cases" with "linguine for spines." This, as you might expect Rush would conclude, was another gigantic failure of "liberalism," which was enacted with good intentions but instead produced "head cases" graduating from college. It's also Obama's fault too, apparently, because Obama's "hope and change" was supposed to transform everyone into "optimistic unifiers."

After the break we finally got around to legalized counterfeiting. We were excited that Rush had stumbled upon a unique fix for the nation's economic woes that would simultaneously land him in trouble with the Secret Service. Instead, we were treated to an on-air recitation of an American Thinker blog entry titled: "Time to Legalize Counterfeiting." We think we know why Rush like this blog entry so much -- it's identical to many Rush Limbaugh bits, with a whole lot of set-up culminating in a lame punch line. In this case, the ham-fisted bit concluded with: "Universal counterfeiting could be the entitlement program that ends all other entitlement programs and sets us free. It is time to stand up and tell our legislators we want universal counterfeiting. If they protest, 'You cannot just print money,' then promptly respond in kind, 'Why not? It works for you.' "

It was a letdown for us, mainly because fiscal policy satire usually makes such great radio.

Speaking of great radio, Rush took a call after the break from a man who said he really loves it when Rush talks about his jet-setting, celebrity-golfing lifestyle. Rush said he's led a blessed life, and that's why he doesn't understand why all these college students are depressed. Rush added: "If they're going to be depressed about something, be depressed at Obama who is the one that is taking away some opportunity." Then the caller asked Rush to explain the inside details of what happens when he's invited to VIP sports events, and Rush obligingly granted the man's wish.

And just when we thought the hour couldn't get any more entertaining, Rush came back from the break explaining that he received an e-mail during the commercial time-out regarding a comment he had made when explaining how great it is to be a VIP at sporting events -- specifically, Rush said he felt like a 5-year-old at these events. Apparently, the listener who emailed said that if Rush really wants to feel like a 5-year-old, he should have Al Michaels turn him away at the next event after showing up a few minutes late. Because that's what happened at the White House, Rush helpfully explained. As we've said before, if you have to explain the joke, it ain't that funny.

Rush rounded out the hour with a caller who blamed Rush for his rejection from Yale Medical School. According to the caller, his interview with Yale touched on the New England Patriots, and one of his interrogators said that she doesn't like that football players make so much money for doing something they love, and the caller responded by asking the woman if everyone should hate their jobs. This apparently derailed the interview. Rush said he did the caller a favor -- what did he want to go to Yale Medical School for, anyway? Our guess would be the elite medical degree. Anyway, Rush said that if you go to an Ivy League school in the age of Obama, the education you're going to get is how to deal with Medicare patients and learning to deal with having your compensation lowered.

Thus concluded yet another hour on the Excellence in Broadcasting network.

Highlights from Hour 2

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: My life is blessed, it really is. That's why these kids coming out of college being depressed irritates me -- there's no reason for it. If they're going to be depressed about something, be depressed at Obama, who is the one that's taking away some opportunity, but it's still out there.

Echo chamber

Read American Thinker blog entry, "Time to Legalize Counterfeiting," in its entirety.

This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Barack Obama, the giant alien cockroach
By Simon Maloy

So ... after the second hour of Excellence in Broadcasting in which it can legitimately said that nothing happened, we were ready for Rush to come back for the third hour in fine, fire-breathing form. In fact, we actually made a gentleman's bet with a colleague that this hour of the show would be wall-to-wall bombast and bamboozlery.

Well, Rush got it started by reading an India Express story about how Lindsay Lohan is converting to Judaism to marry her girlfriend.

So we lost. (And to be honest, we had little business being in a "gentleman's" bet anyhow.)

From Lindsay Lohan it was on to Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, as Limbaugh noted that Chavez "announced the government would nationalize several iron and steel companies to pave way for a large 'socialist' state-run enterprise." Rush said he's keeping a tally, on a spreadsheet, of which "dictator" can nationalize more industries: Obama or Chavez? According to Rush, the tally depends on how you measure this stuff -- do you want to own a lot of little things or a few giant ones? Obama has chosen the latter, said Rush, and eventually he's going to own California. How is he going to end up owning California, you might be asking? Well, you need look no further than Men in Black -- specifically, the climactic scene in which, as Rush recounted it, the giant cockroach is trying to leave earth, and one of the tricks that Will Smith uses is to smash little cockroaches on the ground to distract the giant cockroach. "Imagine Obama as the big cockroach and union workers as the little cockroach, and he looks at union workers getting stomped on by CEOs and everywhere else, and of course, the union government, union workers of California getting stomped on. So he's the big cockroach and he's going to make sure these little cockroaches don't get stomped on and don't get avenged, and that's why he's going to nationalize California."

Thankfully it was time for a commercial break. When Rush came back, he noted that CNN is teasing John King's interview with former Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge this Sunday by saying that Ridge had some interesting things to say about Rush Limbaugh. Rush explained that the last time he saw Tom Ridge was at a football game two or three years ago and he couldn't have been more pleasant.

Then it was time for a caller, this one wondering how anyone could be stressed given that Obama's going to give everyone health care and get rid of nuclear weapons. Rush said the caller was referring to the AP article on stressed and depressed college students and making the great point that there's no reason to be worried about anything because Obama is going to take care of everything.

The next caller expressed his desire that the authors of the torture memos be put on trial, because they would be cleared of wrongdoing and this whole issue would be put to bed. And while we're at it, said the caller, let's get a look at whatever memos were involved in the shooting of the Somali pirates without due process. Rush then aired a sound byte of Obama's speech at the Naval Academy today, in which the president said of the Somali pirate incident: "I will not recount the full story of those five days in April. Much of it is already known. Some of it will never be known. And that is how it should be. But here, on this day, at this institution, it must be said: the extraordinary precision and professionalism displayed that day was made possible, in no small measure, by the training, the discipline and the leadership skills that so many of those officers learned at the United States Naval Academy." From here, Rush switched from extant Will Smith movies to imaginary ones:

LIMBAUGH: I hear a movie coming. I hear a movie. Five Days in April. It'll be out in time for the Oscars next year and Cannes next year. Five Days in April: how the courageous, brave, historic president of the United States personally wiped out three Somali teenagers -- personally did it by giving the orders and thereby saving a cargo ship from the ravages of these three teenagers. Five Days in April. Can't you see it now? Will Smith will be Obama. Will Smith will be the SEAL leader. Will Smith will be the SEAL second in command. Will Smith will be the captain of the Maersk that was being held hostage.

Back from the break, Rush noted that the Washington Post reported today that "President Obama acknowledged publicly for the first time yesterday that some detainees at Guantanamo Bay may have to be held without trial indefinitely, siding with conservative national security advocates on one of the most contentious issues raised by the closing of the military prison in Cuba." Rush noted that he mentioned this on the show yesterday, but he had since received a glut of e-mails from listeners saying that he missed the point -- Obama is endorsing indefinite detention so he can imprison the military veterans that Janet Napolitano and DHS consider to be so dangerous (remember that stupid conservative chew toy?). And, according to Rush, you can't just dismiss these folks as conspiracy theorists: "[Y]ears ago, getting letters like this, emails like this, I thought, 'My gosh, my audience. These people who are writing me these letters, they're kooks.' But this -- some of them may be writing these notes, but there are too many of these that people are looking at this guy this way. And I've told you there are people who are scared to death about the economy, their kids' futures, all of this spending, the federal government power grabs."

Before the break Rush took a call from a gentleman claiming that his Ohio town is part of an Energy Department experiment to pump CO2 captured from power plants underground. Rush said this is insane. "This is like putting five million tons of fizzies underneath your town!" Here's the thing, Rush explained -- carbon dioxide in its "normal state" is odorless, tasteless, and "harmless." Harmless? What do you have to say about that, National Institutes of Health? "Carbon dioxide in its gas form is an asphyxiant, which cuts off the oxygen supply for breathing, especially in confined spaces. Exposure to concentrations of 10 percent or more of carbon dioxide can cause death, unconsciousness, or convulsions. Exposure may damage a developing fetus." That could explain why we -- and most other aerobic organisms -- exhale the stuff. Keeping it in our bodies is not the best idea.

One more break and one more caller, this one taking exception to Limbaugh continued and indiscriminate attacks on unions. Limbaugh explained that he makes it very clear that he attacks union leaders, and he has nothing again the rank-and-file worker. After the caller made the point that union leaders come from the rank-and-file, Rush said he was out of time, asked for her phone number, and vowed to call her back next week.

That's it folks. Trust us when we say we couldn't have made this one up if we tried. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. And if you get tired of barbecuing and spending time outdoors, please consider taking a look at Media Matters' Limbaugh archives.

Highlights from Hour 3

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: Imagine Obama as the big cockroach and union workers as the little cockroach, and he looks at union workers getting stomped on by CEOs and everywhere else, and of course, the union government, union workers of California getting stomped on. So he's the big cockroach and he's going to make sure these little cockroaches don't get stomped on and don't get avenged, and that's why he's going to nationalize California.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: There's Obama talking about the Somali pirates -- the black teenagers that were shot on Obama's orders. Well, they were 17 years old and they were Somalis, pirates no doubt. but those five days in April -- "I'm not going to recount the full story of those five days in April but much of it is already known. Some of it will never be known. That's how it should be. Five days in April." I hear a movie coming. I hear a movie. Five Days in April. It'll be out in time for the Oscars next year and Cannes next year. Five Days in April: how the courageous, brave, historic president of the United States personally wiped out three Somali teenagers -- personally did it by giving the orders and thereby saving a cargo ship from the ravages of these three teenagers. Five Days in April. Can't you see it now? Will Smith will be Obama. Will Smith will be the SEAL leader. Will Smith will be the SEAL second in command. Will Smith will be the captain of the Maersk that was being held hostage. Will Smith will not play any of the pirates, but Will Smith will play Obama and the SEAL captain and the SEAL assistant. And of course, you know, every one of these movies has a communications person named Sparks. The communications guy is always named Sparks, and Obama will play the communications guy relaying orders from Obama to Obama to pull the trigger.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: I was struck. I mean, it was hundreds, and it was not just military people. There were some people who wrote and said, "He's leaving the option open to himself to be able to detain citizens without charge." And I got to thinking -- years ago, getting letters like this, emails like this, I thought, "My gosh, my audience. These people who are writing me these letters, they're kooks." But this -- some of them may be writing these notes, but there are too many of these that people are looking at this guy this way. And I've told you there are people who are scared to death about the economy, their kids' futures, all of this spending, the federal government power grabs.