I doubt that most people even still care about this health care mini-mob footnote from this summer, but Andrew Breitbart's BigGovernment continues to hype the sad tale of Kenneth Gladney. (I'm too bored to recap all the soggy details; see here, here, here, here, and here.)

Last week BigGovernment joined forces with Glenn Beck to claim Democrats were in bed with Missouri law enforcement and were covering up the (exceptionally unimportant) story of the Gladney assault. Now, Breitbart and company and pretty much accusing a local District Attorney in St. Louis of covering up the alleged crime involving SEIU union members, or the “thugs” who beat up Gladney in August.

BigGovernment on Monday breathlessly posted the St. Louis Police Dept. report on the summer arrest and demanded to know why the union “thugs” haven't been formally charged and prosecuted. The funny part is that the crew at BigGovernment has such a shaky grasp of how journalism works that they act like posting an everyday police report proves that all crazy their allegations are true.

Not quite. So what did we learn from the uneventful arrest report?

--That the two SEIU union members in question were booked that night on charges of third degree assault. I kid you not. The overexcited Breitbart treats the Gladney story like it's the Kennedy assassination, yet it involves a couple of union reps who might face third degree assault charges, which in the state of Missouri are punishable by 15 days in jail and a $500 fine. Read that part again and chuckle along at the over-hyped drama.

--That's right, third degree assault. But how could Gladney have been savagely beaten, as many right-wing bloggers originally claim, if the men responsible that night were only tagged with third degree assault, arguably the lightest possible charge for the offense?

--The arresting officer did not see any injuries on Gladney at the time. Again, Breitbart and others claim union thugs practically beat Gladney to death on that dark Missouri night. (i.e. He was kicked in the face, beaten, and dragged.) But the St. Louis Police Department officer who immediately arrived on the scene did not observe any injuries. (Although Gladney's clothes were in “disarray.”) The officer's observation is in sync with the YouTube video of the Gladney altercation that was posted online. Moments after the alleged assault, Gladney is seen on video walking around looking relatively unharmed without any apparent injuries.

--But guess who did require medical attention that night because of an injury sustained “during the conflict with Victim Gladney,” according to the police account? Who was transported by the police to the local ER? Answer: One of the union members who was charged with assault. That would be the union members who, when you watch the YouTube video of the altercation, is seen sprawled out on the pavement with a man standing over him.

--The key witness from the police report is the same witness who attended the St. Louis health care forum last August in order to protest Democratic initiatives, and who posted his account of the Gladney incident on the hyper-partisan and union-hating BigGovernment site, which might raise questions for some about the witness' motivations in the case.

In other words, the police report that Breitbart so excitedly points to proves virtually nothing in terms of his grand right-wing conspiracy that the White House directly ordered union members to beat up health care protesters, that union reps in St. Louis unleashed a "brutal" beating, or that it's a deep mystery as to why no formal charges have been filed in the case. Reading the report, it's no mystery at all. In fact, the lack of formal charges is utterly routine in terms of minor assault cases like this.

But of course that doesn't stop BigGovernment from claiming the St. Louis DA is deeply involved in this third degree assault case, because DA's have nothing better to do with their time, right? (Can't wait for Beck to go to the chalkboard and spell out the web of connections between the DA's office and the White House.)

UPDATED: BTW, Gladney's old pal from St. Louis thinks the whole story about a political beat-down was a scam cooked up by Gladney's attorney/agent in order to make money.

UPDATED: Wait, I thought Andrew Breitbart was Kenneth Gladney. Or are they both Kenneth Gladney? So confusing...

UPDATED: More pie-in-the sky conspiracy from BigGovernment. i.e. Nobody has been prosecuted in the Gladney case. We think somebody should. So here are all the imaginary dots we're going to connect to prove our absurd claim.

Also note that according to this latest dramatic account, Gladney was “gang assaulted.” But according to the St. Louis Police Dept. report, there were no visible injuries that night.

UPDATED: As I've mentioned before, I have no idea if formal charges will be filed in the St. Louis case, and I don't really care. All I know is that watching Breitbart and his imaginative pals manufacture a wild, sprawling, hysterical political conspiracy tale from a minor third degree assault charge would be sad, if it weren't so funny to watch.