Published June 20, 2011 on the YouTube page for The Matt and Crank Program

MATT WALSH (CO-HOST): Hey guys, listen, I know it's like election season or whatever, and you're probably all thinking to yourself, "Oh, my God, who am I going to vote for this time?" Well, look, the Democrat Party is here to tell you that you gotta stick with us. I mean, you just have to. Don't be super lame. We really haven't been in charge for all that long but look at what we've been able to do for you guys. Like gas is so super expensive right now, which is great because that means we can all walk to work and then we can walk to Starbucks to get our venti chai lattes, then we can walk to Pilates class, and by the time we're done doing all that walking, we'll all be super toned and super fit and super ready to look real super with our shirts off. Plus, unemployment is so high right now and our Democrat president is spending record amounts of tax dollars on a bunch of stuff, and all that means is that we have more time to sit around eating yogurt and talking about how ridiculous Whoopi was on The View today. She is so stupid but I love her.

So anyway, look, the Democrat Party has been hooking you guys up the day one, for reals. Since the very beginning, the Democrats have been all about tolerance and acceptance and so totally not about racism. Racism sucks. That's why most Southern plantation owners were actually Democrats. See, we're so tolerant of other races that we'll even tolerate them tilling our fields. It's not like we're going to do that sort of yucky work. Eww. Actually, it was the right around that time that the Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan. You see Democrat KKK members actually killed Black people and Republicans for decades, which really shows how tolerant we Democrats are. We can tolerate murders, dead people, the list goes on and on. We will tolerate the fuck out of anybody. Sexy. 

You see one thing about Democrats is that we're really into working class America. I mean, really into them. All we want to do is tax those totally gross rich people and let working class people prance freely through the meadows of flowers and daffodils. That's why in 1913, a Democrat-controlled Congress made the income tax permanent. We don't like taxing working class people, but we also know that if we don't they'll feel really bad that they aren't contributing, so that's why it's great that, thanks to us, Americans have to pay for the privilege of working a job they hate. Super fun.

And later on, a Democrat introduced the withholding system. The withholding system means that the government gets a hold of your paycheck before you do, and then they, like, give you whatever amount of your money they think you should have. We Democrats are so super proud of this idea because really, think about it. If you were allowed to keep your own money, you know, you would just blow it on gossip mags and expensive soap from Target. You know you would. Don't lie.

You see, Democrats are full of great ideas like Social Security that were so totally us. It's so great. You see, the way it works is that all young people get to give all their money to all the old people and by the time the young people are old they won't have as much money saved because they were giving it to all the old people, but there won't be as many young people to pay for the new old ones because the country's broke from all the social programs we started. It sounds complicated, I know, but trust stuff. What other option is there? What, just let people save their own money and take care of themselves? How rude.

One thing about us Democrats is that we really hate war. Eww. Harry Truman, he was a Democrat, he hated war so much that he killed 200,000 innocent Japanese with a nuclear bomb. Bye bye. One of the things about us Democrats is that we love minorities. We love them. OMG, they are so cute. See, we love minorities so much, but we also know that it's hard to be one, which is why we give millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood so they can set up thousands of abortion clinics in poor Black neighborhoods, and that way millions of minority children every year escape the burden of living. That's the one thing about us Democrats, anything that involves stopping life, we are totally into. Abortion, birth control, euthanasia, eugenics, the KKK. Love it, love it, love it, love it.

We're also really into choosing. We think you should have the right to choose. Unless, of course, you want to choose to say a prayer in school. In which case, stop it. Eww. What's with all this religion anyway? OK, so whatever, religion fundamentally formed the civilized world and is the most powerful force on the planet, but whatever we Democrats are so over it. Anyways, look, obviously the Democrat Party is the way to go. Look at Obama. He said he'd get us out of Afghanistan and he didn't but whatever because he did invent a pen machine. OK, so unemployment is high and so are gas prices and Gitmo is still open and the Patriot Act is still in effect and we still have an interventionist foreign policy and the deficit is like eight bazillion billion below zero and nothing about the world is it all even slightly better since he took office, but you know what? Whatever. I'm done even talking to you if you're going to be such a jerk. Stop being a jerk and just vote for Democrats, OK?