By Greg Lewis

Why oh why did we not slam our heads in a car door when we had the chance?

Well, Rush Limbaugh himself is off the airwaves for the rest of the decade, so today, we were left with C-list talk-radio fill-in and Central Asian ethnic group aficionado Mark Steyn as our guest host on The Rush Limbaugh Show. We're sure Steyn will gracefully close the chapter on the Aught years of Limbaugh's program with class, dignity, and --

Never mind. Steyn immediately caused us all to dry heave from the sudden maiming of our brain cells (apparently, this is possible) when he kicked off the program making “jokes” comparing Barack Obama's “story” to the Balloon Boy hoax.

From there, Steyn mused on such topics as pre-existing conditions, faith traditions, and ACORN's role in the Nativity. Then Steyn fussed over the latest Big Government special about “baubles” on the White House Christmas tree with images of Mao and a “drag queen.”

Then Steyn droned on for several minutes about the Senate health care bill, but we weren't able to discern what his point was, beyond strumming the conventional conservative mantra -- but with the added flair of his British-Canadian-New Englander accent. We're reminded that Steyn's accent is the only thing that sets him apart from the din of other right-wing talkers.

Steyn makes Uighur “jokes,” claims to be “in favor” of policy to deport American Uighurs for money -- like the Cambodians

Anyway, did you catch that Uighur reference we made in the first paragraph? Well, that was because on previous editions of the Steyn-hosted Rush Limbaugh Show, he showed an unhealthy obsession with said ethnic group, specifically several Uighurs who had spent time in Guantánamo and were subsequently released to Bermuda.

We clarify this because it was at this point that Steyn gave us a “Uighur Wednesday Update” in which he read a New York Times article about Cambodia's decision to deport 20 Uighur asylum-seekers, apparently in exchange for Chinese investments worth approximately $1 billion. Steyn congratulated the Cambodians for getting a “better deal for secondhand Uighurs” than the U.S. could:

STEYN: But this is what it's come to now. The Cambodians can get a better deal for secondhand Uighurs than the so-called superpower can. The humiliations inflicted on this country during the Obama presidency are getting worse and worse and worse. Twenty -- $1.2 billion in aid for 20 Uighurs. We had to pay money to Bermuda, which isn't even a country; it's a colony. It's not even a real country. We had to pay money for Bermuda to put our Uighurs up on a lifelong beach vacation, whereas the Cambodians just sell them to the Chinese to have the electrodes clamped to them or whatever the Chinese are going to do to them. It's just -- there's no fiscal responsibility in Washington anymore. I'm in favor of adopting the Cambodian model for American Uighur policy from now on.

Then Steyn continued to air his grievances about the “tanning-bed tax” in the Senate health care bill. Steyn called the policy proposal “horrible” because it discriminated against color-seeking women in burqas in sun-deprived Northern states subsidizing health care when people in states like California can tan for free.

After another break, Steyn took a caller who shared his views on the tanning tax, which just gave more fodder to Steyn to continue to rail against it and the “bureaucratic spaghetti” that the health care bill would create. Then Steyn read from a Boston Globe article on how the health care bill would affect Massachusetts and followed it up with incoherent rambling about John Kerry, the Botox tax, and ski lodges. Steyn said that the advantage of a Canadian-style health care system over the one in the Senate bill is that there are no tradeoffs -- everyone gets the same cruddy treatment “coast to coast.”

Does Mark Steyn's Christmas album foreshadow the apocalypse?

The second hour of the Steyn show started off with more complaining about the Senate health care bill. Steyn ranted about how San Francisco and Massachusetts are “not typical parts” of the United States, and he ranted about a possible implementation of a value-added tax, and then he ranted some more about the tanning tax. Rant, rant, rant. Could this show get any worse?

Yes. Yes, it could. After the next commercial break, Steyn treated us to an excerpt from his Christmas album.

You read that right. Mark Steyn recorded an album of Christmas music, and we were forced to listen to a portion of his rendition of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Our ears will never be able to un-hear his gravelly, droning “singing” voice. Steyn proceeded to air the clip a second time (just to exacerbate our misery, we assume) and went on for several minutes about how he tried to hit the song's “big note,” which, for some reason, involved seat belts.

Steyn filled out the remainder of the hour with callers. One caller, for example, wanted districts to have special elections based on issues being debated in Congress so that representatives can see what the people think. Steyn seemed to have no problem with the caller's idea to blur the purpose of a representative republic with what would essentially be taxpayer-funded opinion polls, calling it an “excellent idea” while qualifying that they would have to be nonbinding.

One more hour of this? Come on!

There was another hour of Steyn. But really, what's the point? I'm going to let my existential crisis brought on by Steyn's maddening stint as guest host get the best of me and call it a day. Merry Christmas!

And on a quick note before we leave you for the holidays, one of our many Zacharys, Zachary Aronow, who has been an integral part of the Limbaugh Wire for the past several months, is leaving us today to move on to greener pastures. His assistance has been invaluable to the daily production of the Limbaugh Wire, and we wish him the very best.

Zachary Aronow and Kate Conway contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.

Highlights

Outrageous comments

STEYN: But this is what it's come to now. The Cambodians can get a better deal for secondhand Uighurs than the so-called superpower can. The humiliations inflicted on this country during the Obama presidency are getting worse and worse and worse. Twenty -- $1.2 billion in aid for 20 Uighurs. We had to pay money to Bermuda, which isn't even a country; it's a colony. It's not even a real country. We had to pay money for Bermuda to put our Uighurs up on a lifelong beach vacation, whereas the Cambodians just sell them to the Chinese to have the electrodes clamped to them or whatever the Chinese are going to do to them. It's just -- there's no fiscal responsibility in Washington anymore. I'm in favor of adopting the Cambodian model for American Uighur policy from now on.