(He “promise[s]” it's actually water.)

From The April 9 edition of Fox News' Glenn Beck:

BECK: And President Obama apparently feels like, boy, I'm pretty much done, not a lot more to do, you know? We got all those things done. You know what? Why don't I work on immigration reform?

Later this year, he hopes to create a path for the estimated 12 million illegal aliens here in America to become legal. But yet, we haven't fixed the border and shut the water off. What a sweet, sensitive guy he really is.

Here is the one thing I think the media is missing. I don't know about you, but when I saw that story last night, I did this -- you got to be kidding me! I mean, let me -- let me just ask you a question. Maybe I'm alone, but I think it would be just faster if they just shot me in the head. You know what I mean? How much more can -- how much more can he disenfranchise all of us?

We have Bill Schulz here. He's from Red Eye. And I'm just going to demonstrate at least how I feel, all right?

I feel -- when I read this story last night -- I don't know about you. Let's say Bill is the average American here and I'm President Obama. This is the way I feel. I feel like President Obama is just saying, you know what, I've got the $3.5 trillion budget that we're doing. You know, is it cold? Yes.

You know -- where the only fat they cut out is national defense. We have growing Social Security. We have Medicare, Medicaid obligations, right? Let me get some over here. And that puts us on the hook now for about $53 trillion.

Now, the worst is that we are buried under $1.25 quadrillion dollars in debt. Overseas -- Obama is apologizing to the Frenchy French for our arrogance. You know, he's bowing to the Saudi Arabian king. I don't know if you saw that one, OK?

Oh, I almost forgot. He's also closing Gitmo and letting the terrorists onto the streets.

And on the island of Cuba, the Congressional Black Caucus met with Fidel Castro to try to fix the U.S.-Cuban relations -- something that would give their tourism industry a billion dollar boost. It's no wonder that Illinois Democrat Bobby Rush said -- the meeting, he said, quote, “It was almost like listening to an old friend.” They gazed into each other's eyes. It's been fantastic.

By the way, under Castro, 93 percent of Cuban labor force works for the state. Sound familiar? Average worker -- making a whopping $9 a month there in Cuba. He's fantastic. We should buddy with him. What would it be like to work for $9 a month? Oh, we may all find out soon.

And also, according to the U.N., seven abortions for every 10 babies born in Cuba. Sure, sounds like a vacation in Disneyland to me.

But now, last night, I get there and I see, I get on the website, and I see that Obama wants to legalize the illegal aliens, you know, when unemployment is 8.5 percent and underemployment rate is 15.6 percent. You know, you're having a hard time finding a job, you know, without having to be forced -- do you have any matches -- forced to complete, you know, compete with a whole new crop of workers.

So what does Obama do, he says, boy, I'm not -- I'm just out of stuff to do. What else could I possibly do to the American people?

President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire? For the love of Pete, what are you doing? Do you not hear -- do you not hear the cries of people who are saying stop? We would like some sanity in our country for a second!

We didn't vote to lose the republic. We didn't vote for any of this stuff. We voted for change.

You know what that change was? The change we wanted was an end to the games! We wanted the games to be ended.

We want people to say what they mean and mean what they say. We want people just to be honest. We want the parties to actually stand for something.

We want the spending that is out of control -- you're building bridges that lead to nowhere. You're spending money that leads only to slavery! We just want some common sense. That's all we want.

We can disagree with each other on policies, but Good Lord Almighty, man, please. Some of us don't agree with all of the policies. We'd like to have a country left in the end of four years. No need to set us on fire.

SCHULZ: I thought I was here to talk about Sex in the City.

BECK: OK. Now, we have -- we have Rick Perry with us. He is the governor of Texas

[...]

BECK: By the way, I just want -- I just want to show you, kids, water, not gasoline. I was -- I was actually told by our legal department, “Glenn, you can't just do that, you've got to” -- I said, yeah, this is why our country is so screwed up if I got to actually say, that wasn't really gasoline, kids. Don't do that at home, that would be really, really bad.

But since we're here -- you know, I'm a fan of 24, I think I've seen that scene on 24. If we're going to do 24" we might as well go all the way.

Here, watch this.

BECK [video clip]: Hi. I'm Glenn Beck. And on today's show, we talked a lot about setting people on fire, but the real heat that we have to be worried about is global warming. Global warming is the reason it snowed yesterday in New York City, and it won't stop until all of that warming buries us under 3 million feet of ice. To get involved in your community, in the fight against global warming, get into your private jet and fly around the world and give some slide shows. Thank you -- from all of us on The Glenn Beck Program.

BECK: Am I the only one that -- those darn things make me crazy?