On his second night as a CNN Headline News host, nationally syndicated radio host Glenn Beck devoted the opening monologue and first guest interview of the May 9 edition of Glenn Beck to an attack on illegal immigrants, suggesting that they are “try[ing] to conquer our culture.” Then, comparing the United States to a “big living room,” Beck said of illegal immigrants: “I want you to hang out with me. You know what I mean? But don't come in and then just pee all over the carpet and say, 'Hey, this place is mine. This is my couch.' I mean, I invited you in. Now come on, be a part of the family.” Beck also said a Spanish-language version of the national anthem “sounded like Enrique Iglesias was throwing up on a mariachi band and then recorded it.” Later, Beck said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad “sounded ... a lot like Michael Moore” in a letter to President Bush, and suggested, using a visual aid, that an appropriate punishment for convicted 9-11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui would be having sexual relations with syndicated columnist Helen Thomas and actress Bea Arthur “while David Hasselhoff sings." Finally, for the second consecutive night, Beck welcomed CNN Headline News Prime News anchor Erica Hill to provide a news update -- but not before he noted her inclusion in People magazine's “100 Most Beautiful People” issue.

During his opening monologue, Beck claimed that “a new poll is suggesting that American support for illegal aliens has fallen in recent weeks,” but did not indicate what poll he was referring to, or qualify “support” or say how much it had “fallen.” After attacking as “truly awful” and “offen[sive]” a Spanish-language version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” (though President Bush has reportedly sung it and the State Department has published versions of it), Beck admonished illegal immigrants: "[D]on't try to conquer our culture." Beck then interviewed OC Weekly "Ask a Mexican" columnist Gustavo Arellano, asking him, "[W]hat part of 'illegal' do Mexicans not understand?" Later, he commended Arellano -- who said he is the son of a “former illegal immigrant” -- for having “melted into our society, our culture.” Then, suggesting that the United States is “kind of like a big living room,” Beck added: “I want you to hang out with me. You know what I mean? But don't come in and then just pee all over the carpet and say, 'Hey, this place is mine. This is my couch.' I mean, I invited you in. Now come on, be a part of the family.”

In his “Quality of Life” segment, Beck noted that Ahmadinejad -- whom Beck referred to as “President Tom” out of a stated inability to pronounce “Ahmadinejad” -- sent a letter to President Bush, in which, among other things, he wonders whether September 11 could have been “planned and executed without coordination with intelligence and security services -- or their extensive infiltration,” and states that the victors in World War II “claimed that six million Jews had been killed” and says “let us assume these events to be true.” Beck then asserted that Ahmadinejad “sounded to me a lot like Michael Moore in the letter, touching on everything from the failure of democracy to the supposed lies about Iraq to the global hatred of the American government.”

Discussing news that Zacarias Moussaoui requested a withdrawal of his guilty plea following his life sentence in connection with the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, Beck responded:

BECK: Um, no, Zac, no, sorry to say you're spending the rest of your life in super-max [the maximum-security federal prison in Florence, Colorado, where Moussaoui will likely be sent]. You don't get to make, you know, sweet tender love to those 72 heavenly virgins. In fact, I'm going to go a step further. When you're involved in the deaths of 3,000 innocent people, you get this -- yeah, a three-way with Bea Arthur and Helen Thomas while David Hasselhoff sings. Oh, it's great. Didn't teach you that at terrorist school? Oh, that's too bad, what a shame.

As Beck spoke, on-screen graphic featured a photomontage of Thomas, Arthur, and Hasselhoff.

Finally, Beck again introduced CNN Prime News anchor Erica Hill to provide a news update. During his May 8 debut, Beck told Hill that "[y]ou are looking hot in leather," and, knowing that Hill could not see him while talking to him via satellite, said: “I'm not wearing pants.” On May 9, Beck held up a copy of People magazine's recently released “100 Most Beautiful People” issue, noting that Hill was featured inside. “Oh, no,” Hill said. “Oh, yes,” Beck replied, adding, “So I'm thumbing through People magazine, because I usually wear -- ah, usually read it.”

From the May 9 edition of CNN Headline News' Glenn Beck:

BECK: First, a new poll is suggesting that American support for illegal aliens has fallen in recent weeks. No! I have no idea if it has anything to do with last week's boycott or that truly awful Spanish version of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I mean, forget where you stand on immigration, as a music fan, you should have been offended. The song sounded like Enrique Iglesias was throwing up on a mariachi band and then recorded it. I'm just sayin'. But here's some free advice for the illegals: Asking for rights and demanding them are two different things. I'm sorry, but I mean, to a lot of us, it felt like you were doing the latter. I mean, you shot yourself in the foot. See, America is kind of like a big pizza or, you know, in this case, a, you know, big quesadilla. If I order a quesadilla, I'll gladly give you a piece. But don't grab the whole thing and say, “It's mine!” I mean, it seems like America's response to your whole “one continent, this country's really ours” shtick? Not so much. You know? The bottom line is I'm pro-immigrant. I think everybody I know is pro-immigrant but anti-illegal activity. We want you to come here, we want you to bring your culture here -- melt with ours. You make us stronger. Just don't try to conquer our culture. I mean, I enjoy a tangy salsa -- no, I do, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to abolish sour cream. You need both ingredients for the perfect quesadilla. And you can't spell “quesadilla” without “USA.” Wish I was wearing a flag pin. I think the illegal immigrant movement has really hurt itself with the protests. And here to remind me that “illegal” translates into “illegál” in Spanish is Gustavo Arellano. He is the writer of OC Weekly “Ask a Mexican.” Hello, Gustavo.

ARELLANO: Hey, amigo, Glenn, how's it going?

BECK: How are you? Very good, sir.

[...]

BECK: Do you have a Mexican/English dictionary in there? I mean, what part of “illegal” do Mexicans not understand?

ARELLANO: The legal part, as always. “Illegal” is a word in English, not in Spanish, and of course Mexicans don't speak English. So how are we going to understand that?

BECK: Right. Come on, no, seriously. I mean, what am I missing here?

ARELLANO: Well, again, we have to remember that a lot of the illegal immigrants are all poor people, coming from impoverished nations, so they're not going to care about coming into this country legally. Would they want to do it? of course they want to do it. That's why they're agitating to become legal immigrants or citizens. But when you're starving, you're not going to wait in line. You're just going to cut in the front of the line.

BECK: So let me ask you this, which did more damage for the immigrant cause? Was it the Spanish version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” or the boycotts? No, I mean that.

ARELLANO: Oh, my God.

BECK: No, come on.

ARELLANO: It is the most horrendous thing since Ricky Martin, you know, shook his bon-bon with President Bush during the 2000 elections.

BECK: Much more offensive, and that was -- that's saying something.

[...]

BECK: Well, I know that -- you're an immigrant. Actually, you're a son of an illegal immigrant, who's now against --

ARELLANO: A former illegal immigrant.

BECK: Right? Well, once an illegal immigrant, always an illegal --

ARELLANO: Yeah, right. Tell that to my dad.

BECK: He'll choke me, won't he?

ARELLANO: OH, yeah. He'll break a bottle of tequila on your face. I'm kidding. Just kidding.

BECK: You have melt -- you have melted into our society, our culture. Haven't you?

ARELLANO: Definitely. Oh, yeah.

BECK: The problem is, is a lot of people get the feeling that -- you know, America is a country, it's kind of like a big living room, man. You come on into my living room, I want you to hang out with me. You know what I mean? But don't come in and then just pee all over the carpet and say, “Hey, this place is mine. This is my couch.” I mean, I invited you in. Now come on, be a part of the family.

[...]

BECK: The stock of Iran is trading down big after that country's president sent a rambling and scathing letter to President Bush. The president of Iran, who I've just -- I mean, I've totally given up on trying to pronounce his actual name; I call him “President Tom” -- uh, sounded to me a lot like Michael Moore in the letter, touching on everything from the failure of democracy to the supposed lies about Iraq to the, you know, global hatred of the American government. Now, I will tell you that I read the entire eight boring pages of the letter, and I just kept thinking about, “Wow, I mean, I wish I were the president, because I would love to be the one writing a letter back to him.” I think it would go something a little like this: “Hey, President Tom -- How's the weather? I hear it could be 10,000 degrees there soon. We should chat. See ya, George.”

[...]

BECK: Why do people even care about [illusionist] David Blaine? You know, maybe because most days all we hear about are people like Zacarias Moussaoui, a guy we'd like to put in the tank. But I don't know if you've heard -- Zacarias has had a change of heart about all of this. All of a sudden, he has a newfound respect for America's judicial system. Yesterday, Moussaoui actually tried to withdraw his guilty plea from being part of 9-11, saying his confession was all a lie. Yeah. And he now actually believes that American juries can be fair. 'So, gee, could maybe I have a new trial?' Um, no, Zac, no, sorry to say you're spending the rest of your life in super-max. You don't get to make, you know, sweet tender love to those 72 heavenly virgins. In fact, I'm going to go a step further. When you're involved in the deaths of 3,000 innocent people, you get this -- yeah, a three-way with Bea Arthur and Helen Thomas while David Hasselhoff sings. Oh, it's great. Didn't teach you that at terrorist school? Oh, that's too bad, what a shame.

[...]

BECK: Let's go straight to the Hill now, Erica Hill. She is the anchor now of Prime News tonight. It started yesterday at 6 o'clock Eastern time. She is also -- hello, Erica.

HILL: Oh, no.

BECK: Oh, yes. So I'm thumbing through People magazine, because I usually wear -- ah, usually read it. “Beauties Around the Clock.” And there are you are at 4 a.m., one of the most beautiful people on planet Earth.

HILL: Exciting stuff.

BECK: And I'm thinking there's 24 hours in the day, and everyone got their own hour, and, surprisingly enough, even in a 72-hour day, me and [Fox News host] Alan Colmes, not making this list.

HILL: Still not there? I mean, how did that happen, Glenn?

BECK: I don't really know.

HILL: You've got to have your people talk to somebody. I know you have people.

BECK: Oh, yeah -- no, I've got lots of people. All right, so tell us what's happening in the news.