Rush Limbaugh made a splash in the news this week when he released a statement confirming that he and business partner Dave Checketts had made a bid to buy the NFL's St. Louis Rams. While thinking about the ramifications of Rush co-owning an NFL franchise, we imagined how Limbaugh might throw his weight around in the owner's box, and came up with a few suggestions for Rush on how he might be able to cut some corners and gain a competitive advantage in the league.

Our first idea was inspired by Limbaugh's baseless assertions and smears of Department of Education official Kevin Jennings. In his recent broadcasts, Rush refused to recognize the facts in the right-wing concocted controversy surrounding Jennings. Not only was there no evidence to support Limbaugh's claim that Jennings gave “advice” to a student to “further” the student's relationship with an older man, but Rush repeatedly lied about the student's age at the time. Despite concrete evidence that says the student was 16, Rush continued to insist the student was 15 years old.

Since Rush is apparently fine with lying about people's ages, he might as well use it to his benefit as owner of the Rams. Why draft washed-up college athletes when you can flout the rules and pick up the top high school prospects? And if the league conclusively determines they're too young to play, he could just hold press conference after press conference saying they're old enough, provide no documentation of their age, and send them out onto the gridiron anyway.

Drafting his players out of high school may end up being a necessity, as Rush Limbaugh's Rams might have trouble even fielding a team. Since Rush announced his bid for the team, several athletes have come out to state their reluctance to play for the radio host. Donavan McNabb -- with whom Rush has some history -- told a reporter that he “won't be in St. Louis anytime soon” if Limbaugh's deal goes through. A few other players in the New York market have also come out to say they wouldn't play for him, either. And to make matters worse, it doesn't sound like the sports media will be welcoming him with open arms.

But what about the general health and well-being of the team and his employees? Well, they can forget about trainers or health coverage of any kind -- it's time for them to “man up”! Besides, it's cheaper to pay for your own health care anyway. Strained quadriceps? Torn rotator cuff? Pssh, walk it off, Nancy. Those are just examples of “media-inspired plagues or panics,” like that H1N1 virus. Speaking of which, that's another area in which Limbaugh might be able to cut the organization's health care costs. His personnel certainly won't be getting vaccinated if we're to take at face value Rush's defiant stand against Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' polite suggestions that at-risk persons and their families get the H1N1 vaccine. Rush was apoplectic:

LIMBAUGH: And now you got Kathleen Sebelius saying you must take the pig flu vaccine. You must take it. Screw you, Ms. Sebelius! I am not going to take it, precisely because you're now telling me I must. It's not your role, it's not your responsibility, and you do not have that power. I don't want to take your vaccine. I don't get flu shots.

All this “medicine” stuff is bad for a manly game like football anyway -- the desire to be healthy is just another sign of the "chickification" of sports. What football needs are more poorly thought-out and hastily arrived-at decisions that are “rooted in liberty and freedom.” After all, what's more precious than your freedom to endanger your employees by refusing access to vaccines against a pandemic strain of the flu?

And while Rush's team of 16-year-olds staggers out on to the field, burning with fever and limping on blown-out knees, the fans themselves will have to keep on their toes. Earlier in the week, Rush took on the Center for Science in the Public Interest over its latest report on the riskiest FDA-regulated food. Rush wanted no part of that:

LIMBAUGH: We are not having food poisoning in this country; it's not happening. These are bunch of busybody people that will not mind their own business, they want to make their business yours, and they are -- these are the kind of people that just irritate the hell out of me.

We're reluctant to think about the horrible consequences that might play out at the concession stands now that we know Rush thinks food poisoning is “not happening.” Cheese and tomatoes were on the CSPI list for contaminated foods, so stay away from those nachos. And for God's sake, don't buy the hamburgers! One can envision Limbaugh directing the stadium's eateries to purchase the cheapest ground beef and, in the interest of saving time and money, only cook the burgers to a bloody medium-rare. If you do eat one and you start to feel a seizure coming on, stay calm -- that's just the E. Coli.

But we need not be so negative all the time. Let's look on the bright side of things. We could actually foresee how some of Limbaugh's political ranting might be deemed acceptable in a football setting. Take for instance when he explained this week why liberals are “evil”:

LIMBAUGH: And that to me, by the way, is evil. If we have people who want to take over the government of this country via elections for the purpose of remaking it and eliminating all of the institutions and traditions that made us great, then that's evil to me.

Just imagine what passionate diatribes Rush might launch into during a post-game press conference:

LIMBAUGH: And that to me, by the way, is evil. If we have people who want to take over the government of this country stop our running game via elections a nickel defense for the purpose of remaking it forcing a fourth down and eliminating all of the institutions and traditions that made us great our chance to score a touchdown, then that's evil to me.

Voila! Rush Limbaugh the gasbag political commentator can morph into Rush Limbaugh the gasbag NFL franchise owner in just a few easy steps. And it's not like anybody would be offended if Limbaugh were to refer to the Oakland Raiders as “evil.”

But, of course, nothing is set in stone yet. Perhaps he'll be outbid. Perhaps he'll rethink the whole venture. Perhaps the Rams will decide that they don't want an owner who "agree[s] with the Taliban" on certain issues. One thing is for certain, though -- he has a better chance in football than he ever will in basketball.