By Christine Schwen

Welcome to the Limbaugh Wire. Today's edition features the “Falsehood Detector,” which will BUZZ! every time Rush spreads a falsehood. Not that Rush would ever mislead us, but keep an ear out just in case.

Rush jumped into the show with both feet today, making the exciting announcement that the “ditto-cam” is now available in HD! That's right, Rush is now in high-definition ... try to stay calm, ladies.

Rush then provided us with more insights into his health scare, explaining how grateful he was that Obama didn't visit him in the hospital, then seamlessly segueing into a complaint that Obama broke promises to keep health care negotiations on C-SPAN and not to tax the middle class (because the Senate bill contained a tax on high-cost health care plans). This brought us to the news.

Next, Rush took a brief break to compare his infamous Bloods and Crips comment to Al Sharpton's recent statement that there's a “culture of violence in sports.” Rush seemed incredulous that people found his comment offensive, and said this proves he's on the cutting edge. You'd probably better just check this one out for yourself.

Rush then launched into a story about a new study on mice which found that long term cell-phone use may prevent Alzheimer's disease -- Rush added, “or as Denny Crane called it, mad cow disease." (Does Rush know Denny Crane isn't real?) Rush informed us this is just yet another example of scientists not knowing what they're talking about (though, presumably the do know that Alzheimer's does not come from Mad Cow disease).

LIMBAUGH: All right, folks, how many -- how many years is it folks that we have been hearing that cell phones are going to cause brain cancer? Ten years? Ten years we've been hearing this. And you hear this over enough, and some people do get frightened about it. Well, from Reuters, totally unfazed Reuters, a study in mice suggests that using cell phones may help prevent some of the brain-wasting effects of Alzheimer's disease, or as Denny Crane called it, mad cow disease.

This is according to U.S. researchers. After long-term exposure to electromagnetic waves, such as those used in cell phones, mice genetically altered to develop Alzheimer's performed as well on memory and thinking skill tests as healthy mice. Quite the contrary, these mice were protected if the cell phone exposure was stared in early adulthood. Now, a decade -- at least 10 years have gone by trying to convince us that we all have a -- well, you; I don't use the phone. I hate it. I've always hated the phone -- but those of you -- but you see people glued to their cell phones, and these people that we've been told that there's a lurking brain tumors from our cell phones just waiting to explode out there. And now we're being told that the cell phone will keep us from getting mad cow disease or Alzheimer's.

Then, making a joke was that wasn't even funny enough to make it onto a NewsBusted segment, Limbaugh said that Obama probably didn't visit him in the hospital because he was afraid he'd heal Limbaugh. Classic!

Moving back to the health care bill, Rush informed us that Rep. Bart Stupak is doing more to fight the health care bill than Republican elected representatives are. With all due respect to Rush, our friends at the Media Matters Action Network tell us they're saying plenty. Rush wasn't convinced though.

Rush then noted that a recent Gallup poll found that more people identify themselves as conservatives than moderates, and claimed that means there is no more need for moderate conservatives, and any elected official who has the conservatives has won the election. I'm not sure Doug Hoffman would agree.

Rush came back from the break with the sad news that 100 more manatees died in Flordia last year than in the year before, because of cold. BUZZ! Sorry, Rush, the Falsehood Detector isn't convinced that short periods of cold weather amount to reliable evidence of global warming.

Rush then returned to Rep. Stupak's opposition to the bill, saying that all the democrats have to do is fix it so abortion isn't covered in the bill (even though it isn't) -- but, Rush tells us, “which just goes to show ya how rabid the pro-aborts are.” Classy.

LIMBAUGH: You know, Stupak in this Times piece says he'd be glad to vote for it if they'd just fix the language in the health care bill to fit current law. And it just -- and that's all, that's all he's asking. And yet they label him the most hated man in Congress. Which just goes to show you how rabid the pro-aborts are.

And just for the record, Rush's suggestion that Stupak's amendment doesn't fit to current law? BUZZ!

Moving on to justice issues, Rush ranted for a while that mayor Bloomberg claims KSM's trial will cost $2 million a year. He then asserted that KSM is thrilled with his civilian trial, and to prove that claim true, he set it to music. Because we all know that people cannot mislead through song.

Rush then informed us that even Sen. Blanche Lincoln is unhappy with the Medicare deal Sen. Ben Nelson made in exchange for his vote on the health care bill. But Rush cannot agree with a Democrat, so he attacked Lincoln for playing at populism, complete with a whiny imitation of her voice.

Then, Rush took us down the rabbit hole with hushed and breathy suggestions that the announced upcoming retirements of Democratic Sens. Chris Dodd and Byron Dorgan are somehow nefarious and liked to Obama's equally nefarious plans. Although Rush did not share these secret plans with us, but he did explain that Dodd screwed the taxpayer on the economy and screwed the taxpayer on health care - like Obama wanted.

“With a talent on loan from God,” Rush returned from the break and called his female caller “sir.” Mostly unphased, the caller gave Rush praise for calling out Republicans. Rush responded by repeating the point that moderates are no longer needed, because all you need are conservatives (I think the Beatles would have BUZZ!-ed that one).

Wrapping up the first hour, Rush popped in from break just to tell us that Democrats have a “minority mindset.”

War on the Poor, and the “fruit of kaboom bomber”

Rush began the second hour by briefly going meta, blaming the media and blaming Obama for blaming Bush for a bloated health care system. This was due to a French news agency, which reported that the intelligence community had gotten too large.

Then Rush lambasted MSNBC's Norah O'Donnell for saying that not everyone can afford the health care that Rush had in Hawaii. Rush tells us “this is not true!” He reminds us that his few day hospital cost less than a car, and so almost everyone can afford it. Well, they can if they're willing to forgo a car, I suppose.

Ignoring that voice in his head telling him to at least feign empathy for his listeners who can't afford health care, Rush added: “If you can afford a car, if you can afford a media room, you can afford what I did in the hospital,” and it “just depends on your choice.” He informed us that if people just choose the health care they can afford, everyone will be fine. So, as long as poor people chose not to get diabetes or cancer, and instead only pay for care they can afford, America won't have a problem. Now readers, I know what you're thinking: “wow, that's pretty terrible and insensitive, surely he realized his mistake and quickly changed the subject.” Oh, silly reader. No, Limbaugh's war on the poor continued:

LIMBAUGH: I do not know how to react to this and stay calm. In the first place, yes, multimillionaire. But what this cost me -- and I've been advised, “Rush, you know how irritated we get when people start telling us how much, what they have cost--” yeah, yeah, I understand that. But I'm just telling you, you don't have to be a millionaire to be able to pay for what I was charged for my hospital stay in Hawaii. And when she says here, “What he's able to do is not affordable to everyone.” Not true. To the vast majority of people, this would be affordable. It's just a choice.

I mean, this was more affordable than a car. This was more affordable than a house, by far. This was more affordable than some people's media rooms that they put in. So, you know, I -- this continues, this is part of the class envy here that only the super-wealthy can afford to go to the hospital. It isn't true. It does boil down to choice.

I thought long and hard whether to bring this back up because I was -- not many -- I got some emails yesterday afternoon and last night in the subscriber email at my website, chastising me for being out of touch, for bragging about being able to pay for my health care when so many people can't, and it's just especially in a down economy, and you're just, you're really -- Rush, you've just lost all sensitivity to the pain and suffering, I'm surprised at you, blah, blah. And I thought about it, I gotta deal with this. Because I don't think those people were actually conservative, I think they were spam emailers or seminar emailers.

But you know, it's -- and I realize I'm on a tough challenge here and I'm probably gonna lose it because we've had 50 years to establish a mindset which basically has most people believing that health care ought not cost anything, or it should cost very little. And when somebody comes along like me and accepts the responsibility of paying for it -- lookit, I'm one of the 47 million uninsured, and I'm -- look at me. In one way, I'm providing leadership. I'm advocating a system get reformed so that people can afford it, that there be a relationship between the patient and the provider and the hosptial without some middleman or two, where people could actually afford it, just as they're able to afford other services throughout our economy.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: If you could afford a car, you could afford what I did in the hospital. If you can afford an pretty expansive media room, you can afford what I spent in a hospital, and with all the tests and everything else. I just -- if you can afford an SUV, you could have gone to the hospital three or four times for what I -- it's just a matter of choice. Just a matter of, you know, what you want to budget for and pay for.

Rush blaming Obama for “blaming Bush”

Not content that he'd successfully educated poor people on better managing their money and only getting illnesses they could afford, Rush came back from the break and explained that he doesn't even have insurance -- because he's providing leadership by being one of the 47 million uninsured -- so, if he had insurance he'd have paid even less! And with that, healthcare is solved.

Next, Rush took a call that veered him away from healthcare and his wealth (thank you, caller!) and on to the attempted Christmas Day bombing. Rush was still upset that Obama is blaming Bush for this attack.

Still on the “fruit of kaboom bomber” (now that's funny!) after the break, Rush added -- in case you missed it -- that he's displeased that Obama is clearly about to blame Bush for this attack. Fortunately, a caller jumped in to give Rush something else to complain about: It took Obama three whole days to speak out about the failed attack. Three whole days. Wow, that sounds unprecedented! [BUZZ!] Huh, I guess not. Rush then claimed that Obama acted “unconvinced” by having to deal with the attack.

Rush then pointed to the story that the attack could complicate closing Guantánamo, and announced that he always knew Obama would not close Guantánamo, and would not get out of Iraq, because he knows these people. He did not elaborate what he means by “knows.”

However, Rush seemed pleased that Obama “won't close Guantánamo” because, Rush announced, 20 percent of detainees released from Guantanamo have returned to terrorism. [BUZZ!] Oh, Rush, you know better than to believe everything you see from the 'drive-bys.'

Rush then took us to break by announcing the “juicy” tidbit that shortly after the Illinois state legislature approved the White House plan to move some Guantánamo detainees to northern Illinois, three prisoners escaped from and entirely different prison in an entirely different part of the of the state. I don't think “juicy” means what Rush thinks it means.

After a short break, Rush finished second hour by returning to health care. First, he asserted that every Democrat on Capitol Hill is governing against the will of the American people holds them in contempt. Then, Rush said: “You don't have to take my word for it,” all we have to do is “look at the town halls” as proof Democrats aren't listening to the people. So, if we want proof that the Democrats aren't listening to their constituents, all we have to do is look at the dozens of examples of Democrats holding meetings in order to speak directly to their constituents? Makes sense to me.

Professor Rush teaches economics

Finally, we reached hour three of “the fastest three hours in media,” which brought Rush to the economy. The economy, Professor Rush explained, cannot be stimulated by an economic stimulus. He elaborated that (drawing on his years of advanced economic modeling, no doubt) this is why, contrary to the principles of Keynesian economics, the New Deal failed to encourage recovery during the great depression. Indeed, Professor Rush said: “The new deal didn't do it.” [BUZZ!]

Our education complete, Rush returned us to the secret conspiracy of Chris Dodd's retirement. You see, Dodd's retirement is indicative of the “Civil War” in the Democratic Party, and it's because of “Obamacare” somehow, which is also destroying the Democratic Party. Hmmm ... it's not bad, Rush, but it's no Beck conspiracy theory.

Back from the break, Rush and a caller took to attacking Obama's voters as stupid, for believing the illusion that Obama would take care of everything for them, including health care. This brought us back to Rush's complaint that people should just choose to pay for the health care they can afford and stop complaining about it.

After another the break, Rush told us people are loving the HD “ditto-cam,” and that he's getting emails saying it feels like he's in the room. Maybe I should switch back to the regular stream.

Rush's next caller asserted that the Christmas day attack was a wag-the-dog moment; made up to prevent people from talking about health care. Rush then chastised his caller for dangerous, conspiratorial rhetoric, and hung up. Just kidding! Instead, Rush answered that he didn't “know if that was going to work,” but that the caller “had a good point” because Rush didn't see how increasing the number of air marshals would have stopped someone like the “fruit of kaboom” bomber. Really. Then, Rush turned to profiling. He claimed that the lack of profiling prevents TSA them from the people who are most likely to be terrorists [BUZZ!].

And then, for some reason, Rush explained that he knows how intellectuals think: “I can do intellectual speak, I've studied these people.” This is how Rush knows that Obama is weak and indecisive. Truly, he has a dizzying intellect.

And before leaving us for 21 long, Rush-free hours, he finished the show by attacking Fox News' Shepard Smith as an “Obama apologist” (ooh, ouch) because Smith supports closing Guantanamo. Similarly, Rush previously criticized Smith for saying the right-wing extremist who shot up the Holocaust museum validated a DHS report on the risk of violence among right-wing extremists. Oh, Shep, how could you?

Zachary Pleat and Michael Timberlake contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.