I, like many of you, often catch myself thinking about the trouble conservatives have relating to the Bible. You hear it all the time from the right -- they complain about how the Bible is a little too “activist” for their tastes, or how they can't be expected to live their lives by its “urban” sensibilities. I never knew what the reason was, but one thing was for sure: Conservatives just didn't get the Bible.

Thankfully, the good people at Conservapedia (“The Trustworthy Encyclopedia”) have looked into the issue and come up with an answer: liberal bias. That's right, the King James Bible, the religious tome that for centuries has set the international standard for Christian religiosity, is a commie rag.

And thus was born -- and I wish I were kidding -- the "Conservative Bible Project." You see, it turns out that liberal bias “has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.” But never fear, Conservapedia has looked at the issue and come up with a few solutions. It seems that the King James Bible doesn't quite satisfy the set of 10 guidelines -- or commandments, if one were feeling cheeky -- that Conservapedia has established which ensure a holy publication is free from “liberal bias.” Among these rules: thou shalt have “free-market parables,” thou shalt not commit “liberal wordiness,” and thou shalt honor “the logic of hell.”

But even better are the specifics. Apparently, the following words should be excised from the Bible for their liberalness: government, gambling, comrade, laborer and labored, and fellow. They even target an entire passage for deletion -- Luke 23:34, which quotes Jesus saying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Conservapedia explains: “This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.” Granted, I'm no biblical scholar, but this seems ... off. Does Conservapedia really think it's a good idea to sneer at a message of forgiveness as “liberal bias.” And this isn't just any message of forgiveness, this is the ultimate message of forgiveness -- a man facing death implores his father, who has all the powers of divine retribution, to turn the other cheek as his son is murdered. Powerful stuff, but to the editors at Conservapedia it doesn't even merit a “stet.”

I must say, though, that I'm actually looking forward to reading the liberal bias-free edition of the Bible. It'd be fun to experience an antiquity in which David fells Goliath with an AR-10, Solomon quotes the Gipper, and Jesus goes Galt.