This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by Barack Obama, the giant alien cockroach
By Simon Maloy

So ... after the second hour of Excellence in Broadcasting in which it can legitimately said that nothing happened, we were ready for Rush to come back for the third hour in fine, fire-breathing form. In fact, we actually made a gentleman's bet with a colleague that this hour of the show would be wall-to-wall bombast and bamboozlery.

Well, Rush got it started by reading an India Express story about how Lindsay Lohan is converting to Judaism to marry her girlfriend.

So we lost. (And to be honest, we had little business being in a “gentleman's” bet anyhow.)

From Lindsay Lohan it was on to Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, as Limbaugh noted that Chavez “announced the government would nationalize several iron and steel companies to pave way for a large 'socialist' state-run enterprise.” Rush said he's keeping a tally, on a spreadsheet, of which “dictator” can nationalize more industries: Obama or Chavez? According to Rush, the tally depends on how you measure this stuff -- do you want to own a lot of little things or a few giant ones? Obama has chosen the latter, said Rush, and eventually he's going to own California. How is he going to end up owning California, you might be asking? Well, you need look no further than Men in Black -- specifically, the climactic scene in which, as Rush recounted it, the giant cockroach is trying to leave earth, and one of the tricks that Will Smith uses is to smash little cockroaches on the ground to distract the giant cockroach. “Imagine Obama as the big cockroach and union workers as the little cockroach, and he looks at union workers getting stomped on by CEOs and everywhere else, and of course, the union government, union workers of California getting stomped on. So he's the big cockroach and he's going to make sure these little cockroaches don't get stomped on and don't get avenged, and that's why he's going to nationalize California.”

Thankfully it was time for a commercial break. When Rush came back, he noted that CNN is teasing John King's interview with former Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge this Sunday by saying that Ridge had some interesting things to say about Rush Limbaugh. Rush explained that the last time he saw Tom Ridge was at a football game two or three years ago and he couldn't have been more pleasant.

Then it was time for a caller, this one wondering how anyone could be stressed given that Obama's going to give everyone health care and get rid of nuclear weapons. Rush said the caller was referring to the AP article on stressed and depressed college students and making the great point that there's no reason to be worried about anything because Obama is going to take care of everything.

The next caller expressed his desire that the authors of the torture memos be put on trial, because they would be cleared of wrongdoing and this whole issue would be put to bed. And while we're at it, said the caller, let's get a look at whatever memos were involved in the shooting of the Somali pirates without due process. Rush then aired a sound byte of Obama's speech at the Naval Academy today, in which the president said of the Somali pirate incident: “I will not recount the full story of those five days in April. Much of it is already known. Some of it will never be known. And that is how it should be. But here, on this day, at this institution, it must be said: the extraordinary precision and professionalism displayed that day was made possible, in no small measure, by the training, the discipline and the leadership skills that so many of those officers learned at the United States Naval Academy.” From here, Rush switched from extant Will Smith movies to imaginary ones:

LIMBAUGH: I hear a movie coming. I hear a movie. Five Days in April. It'll be out in time for the Oscars next year and Cannes next year. Five Days in April: how the courageous, brave, historic president of the United States personally wiped out three Somali teenagers -- personally did it by giving the orders and thereby saving a cargo ship from the ravages of these three teenagers. Five Days in April. Can't you see it now? Will Smith will be Obama. Will Smith will be the SEAL leader. Will Smith will be the SEAL second in command. Will Smith will be the captain of the Maersk that was being held hostage.

Back from the break, Rush noted that the Washington Post reported today that “President Obama acknowledged publicly for the first time yesterday that some detainees at Guantanamo Bay may have to be held without trial indefinitely, siding with conservative national security advocates on one of the most contentious issues raised by the closing of the military prison in Cuba.” Rush noted that he mentioned this on the show yesterday, but he had since received a glut of e-mails from listeners saying that he missed the point -- Obama is endorsing indefinite detention so he can imprison the military veterans that Janet Napolitano and DHS consider to be so dangerous (remember that stupid conservative chew toy?). And, according to Rush, you can't just dismiss these folks as conspiracy theorists: "[Y]ears ago, getting letters like this, emails like this, I thought, 'My gosh, my audience. These people who are writing me these letters, they're kooks.' But this -- some of them may be writing these notes, but there are too many of these that people are looking at this guy this way. And I've told you there are people who are scared to death about the economy, their kids' futures, all of this spending, the federal government power grabs."

Before the break Rush took a call from a gentleman claiming that his Ohio town is part of an Energy Department experiment to pump CO2 captured from power plants underground. Rush said this is insane. “This is like putting five million tons of fizzies underneath your town!” Here's the thing, Rush explained -- carbon dioxide in its “normal state” is odorless, tasteless, and “harmless.” Harmless? What do you have to say about that, National Institutes of Health? “Carbon dioxide in its gas form is an asphyxiant, which cuts off the oxygen supply for breathing, especially in confined spaces. Exposure to concentrations of 10 percent or more of carbon dioxide can cause death, unconsciousness, or convulsions. Exposure may damage a developing fetus.” That could explain why we -- and most other aerobic organisms -- exhale the stuff. Keeping it in our bodies is not the best idea.

One more break and one more caller, this one taking exception to Limbaugh continued and indiscriminate attacks on unions. Limbaugh explained that he makes it very clear that he attacks union leaders, and he has nothing again the rank-and-file worker. After the caller made the point that union leaders come from the rank-and-file, Rush said he was out of time, asked for her phone number, and vowed to call her back next week.

That's it folks. Trust us when we say we couldn't have made this one up if we tried. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. And if you get tired of barbecuing and spending time outdoors, please consider taking a look at Media Matters' Limbaugh archives.

Highlights from Hour 3

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: Imagine Obama as the big cockroach and union workers as the little cockroach, and he looks at union workers getting stomped on by CEOs and everywhere else, and of course, the union government, union workers of California getting stomped on. So he's the big cockroach and he's going to make sure these little cockroaches don't get stomped on and don't get avenged, and that's why he's going to nationalize California.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: There's Obama talking about the Somali pirates -- the black teenagers that were shot on Obama's orders. Well, they were 17 years old and they were Somalis, pirates no doubt. but those five days in April -- “I'm not going to recount the full story of those five days in April but much of it is already known. Some of it will never be known. That's how it should be. Five days in April.” I hear a movie coming. I hear a movie. Five Days in April. It'll be out in time for the Oscars next year and Cannes next year. Five Days in April: how the courageous, brave, historic president of the United States personally wiped out three Somali teenagers -- personally did it by giving the orders and thereby saving a cargo ship from the ravages of these three teenagers. Five Days in April. Can't you see it now? Will Smith will be Obama. Will Smith will be the SEAL leader. Will Smith will be the SEAL second in command. Will Smith will be the captain of the Maersk that was being held hostage. Will Smith will not play any of the pirates, but Will Smith will play Obama and the SEAL captain and the SEAL assistant. And of course, you know, every one of these movies has a communications person named Sparks. The communications guy is always named Sparks, and Obama will play the communications guy relaying orders from Obama to Obama to pull the trigger.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: I was struck. I mean, it was hundreds, and it was not just military people. There were some people who wrote and said, “He's leaving the option open to himself to be able to detain citizens without charge.” And I got to thinking -- years ago, getting letters like this, emails like this, I thought, “My gosh, my audience. These people who are writing me these letters, they're kooks.” But this -- some of them may be writing these notes, but there are too many of these that people are looking at this guy this way. And I've told you there are people who are scared to death about the economy, their kids' futures, all of this spending, the federal government power grabs.