By Christine Schwen

“Hey, hey, hey!” Rush said as he welcomed us to today's spastic, rapid-fire edition of The Rush Limbaugh Show. Rush spent most of the show jumping wildly from topic to topic, seemingly daring us to keep up. Well, it wasn't easy to keep up with his truly dizzying agenda, but we're going to do our best not to let the rapid-fire style keep us from following him and correcting the record.

Rush started by commenting that NPR and Fox contributor -- and suspected dittohead -- Juan Williams, whom Rush called an Obama booster, admitted the health care bill is bad because Williams said “Rahm Emanuel could not get Americans to eat the dog food.” Rush was astounded that Williams called the bill “dog food,” a theme that would continue throughout the show.

Rush then put on his anti-science hat, claiming that he knew “it was bogus” that Saturday's Chilean earthquake could have caused a tsunami in Hawaii. He claimed it was a “teachable moment” about how manipulative the scientific community is. Though he acknowledged that the alert and evacuations could have saved lives if there had been a tsunami, he seemingly decided it was not worth the panic created by the announcement.

Then back to Williams and his “strange” dog-food comment. Rush said that people don't want to eat dog food -- the only people eating dog food, he's told, are seniors who have to choose between food and medicine.

Then on to Toyota. Rush claimed that Toyota execs threw themselves under the bus while flying the plane into the carrier at the congressional hearings.

After a quick break, Rush took one more shot at scientists, complaining that they were saying on Saturday that you can't see the tsunami, even though there were pictures of large waves caused by the 2004 Indonesian tsunami. Rush thought that was hysterical.

Then back to Toyota -- this time Rush claimed the executives “committed hara-kiri.”

Dog food, global warming, sexism, and health care

Then Rush went quickly back to the “strange” dog-food comment, stating, "The American people do not want to eat dog food. This is not North Korea." Rush then moved on to the USA-Canada hockey game. Rush said he knew that the United States was going to lose because President Obama bet on them. He also thought it was funny that Obama bet a case of Yuengling, because Yuengling is a non-union company.

Rush then jumped to Obama's campaigning for Sen. Harry Reid, with Rush claiming that because a recent poll found Reid did not get a bounce from Obama's visit, “Obama lost Harry Reid 10 percent more voters.” He pivoted from Reid to Obama's health, picking up the smear that Obama's doctors had told him to drink less.

Then Rush jumped to a Politico article headlined “Edwards epilogue: Does the press really vet presidential candidates?” Rush claimed that the problem is that the press doesn't vet Democrats. Then, never one to miss a change to be classless, he compared this to Elin Woods asking her therapist if Tiger Woods missed her while sleeping with other women. Seriously:

LIMBAUGH: So, now it's time for the media to go get all introspective and navel-gaze. The Politico, asking if the press really vets presidential candidates -- and I think they intend this to be a serious article. As after I read it, I thought, this must be what a psychiatrist feels like after a session with a patient who is detached from reality. It would be like Tiger Woods' wife asking a therapist, “So, was Tiger missing me the whole time he was having sex with those other women? Was he really missing me? I want to know if he was missing me.”

I mean, what -- how out of touch do you have to be to do a story -- “Does the press really vet presidential candidates?” If they're Republicans, they sure as hell do. Why -- “Edwards epilogue: Does the press really vet presidential candidates?” The press doesn't vet Democrat presidential candidates, and they're going to be doing this story about Obama at some point down the road. All kinds of long knives are coming out.

Then Rush jumped wildly to health care, claiming that Nancy Pelosi is trying to “thin her herd” by passing health care reform.

After the next break, Rush jumped back to the tsunami, again mocking the scientific community for warning of a possible disaster and “causing panic.”

He then dizzily jumped to James Carville complaining that failing to pass health care will be bad for Democrats, to which Rush added, “Yeah, we've got to eat the dog food.”

He then spun to Pelosi stating that the health care bill can be bipartisan even though the vote may not be, because Republicans have been involved. Rush falsely claimed that wasn't true, adding that everything the Republicans want has been rejected.

Then Rush played a clip from “white comedian Paul Shanklin,” mercifully giving us a breather from his dizzying topic changes.

Next, Rush heard from a caller who explained that Williams' “eat the dog food” comment was an old marketing term and that he wasn't actually talking about eating dog food. Rush wasn't convinced.

After the next break, Limbaugh mocked ABC for closing several of its news bureaus, and then said that “this didn't happen under Bush -- it happened under Obama.”

Even the dittoheads are tired of hearing about dog food

Rush then announced that even his own dittoheads were telling him he was making too much of the dog-food comment because Williams was only using a marketing term and not actually talking about dog food. Rush decided that even if it was a marking term, Williams had stumbled onto a truth. He declined to comment on what great truth Williams' comment uncovered.

Then, Rush jumped back to the tsunami in Hawaii, saying that after all the panic, “This is all we got?” He then went to a much-needed break.

Rush then finished the hour by saying that Democrats don't care how screwed they're going be in December.

Rush came back shocked about how Pelosi is “no different” than the mullahs:

LIMBAUGH: Yeah, there she is again. There's Pelosi. You know what? She's -- I'm going to tell you what. Here's the way we have to start looking at Nancy Pelosi: Mullah Nancy bin Pelosi. She's no different than these mullahs and these imams who convince all these people to put bombs on their kids and send them out there to blow up. The only -- and she's -- that's exactly what she's doing to the Democrat Party. The only thing she can't do is promise them 73 virgins or whatever it is. But that's in essence what she's doing here. And I have a great explanation as for why. Andy McCarthy wrote an expansion on the theory of mine that I've been promulgating here for many weeks.

Rush was also shocked that Pelosi does not feel it's appropriate for her to weigh in on Rep. Charles Rangel's ethics committee investigation. Rush manically ranted for several minutes about how Rangel is cheating on his taxes. He added that “no one cares” that Paul Krugman is unhappy with Rangel, and then attacked Sen. Dick Durbin for saying, Rush paraphrased, who cares if Rangel's crooked because he's a war veteran?

Rush worries about civics, but not about furloughed workers

Then Rush jumped to a new study that found that American colleges generally fail to teach civic knowledge. Rush added that that's why so many Democrats court the youth vote -- because young people “don't know anything.”

After the next break, Rush returned to attacking the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration and the rest of the scientific community for saying there would be a tsunami and trying to encourage people to get to safety. He then mocked Al Gore, claiming that Gore will say this summer that it's hotter than it has been all year. He declined to take the opportunity to retract his own use of local weather patterns to make claims about global warming.

Then Rush turned to the story of Sen. Jim Bunning putting 2,000 federal workers on furlough. Rush, showing how little he understands the struggle of living paycheck to paycheck, mocked the concern for those employees, saying that they're probably going to be paid and criticizing the media for thinking the story was about the 2,000 workers, because it's not about them:

LIMBAUGH: Now, who knew? [laughs] Who knew? But if you look at this story, folks, this is the worst thing that could have ever happened. Two thousand federal workers are going to be furloughed, and there might be a delay in some unemployment benefits being paid. Oh my God, this is the worst thing that's ever -- who knew, folks, that one lone senator from the minority party could wreak so much damage to our economy?

Unemployment advocates -- there are reports out there -- unemployment advocates. Have you ever heard of that? Unemployment advocates are calling for Jim Bunning to be removed from the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.

After the break, Rush returned to the topic of college students' lack of general civics knowledge. Rush then promoted Hillsdale College as an alternative.

Then Rush turned to the story of an Argentinean couple who entered into a murder-suicide pact that has been blamed on global warming. Limbaugh said that this was directly attributable to the “hoax” led by Gore and the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change and that they have “blood on their hands”:

LIMBAUGH: Now, folks, I'm going to tell you something. This is directly attributable to a hoax and a bunch of fearmongering led by the likes of Al Gore and the International Planetary Commission on -- whatever the hell those idiots are at the U.N. -- and the East Anglia -- all of these people, every damn one of these people has their blood on their hands with stuff like this.

Ginning up -- can you imagine if some nut had gone out and done this because of socialism? It's a good point that was just made to me. Can you imagine? Why, they'd be trying to attach that person to the tea-party movement. But here, because these two Looney Tunes have a family suicide pact over global -- “It's not worth living because of global warming.” They try to kill themselves and their kids? That's a ho-hummer. “Well, we're not going to try to find out who's responsible for this. Oh, no, no, no. Because it might lead to Al Gore. It might lead to some liberal scientists, might lead to a bunch of United Nations people. Well, no, no, we're not going to bother trying to find out about that.”

But I guarantee, if this guy had painted “socialism” on his daughter's chest before shooting her and killed the family 'cause they were worried about what Obama was doing to the country, I guaran-damn-tee you they'd say this guy was a British member of the tea-party movement. And they'd be trying to castigate this guy and the tea-party movement from now till the end of the year.

Rush then moved on to race issues, highlighting a discussion that Al Sharpton and Boyce Watkins had about whether Obama had been silent on issues of race. Sharpton defended Obama for working on issues important to the African-American community, while Watkins said that African-American students are more likely to be in special education and that that's something Obama should be working on. Rush then announced that he wanted to remind Watkins that D.C.'s school voucher program “was started not by a black person, but was shut down by the first black president.”

After the break, Rush turned to reconciliation, criticizing Democrats for using the phrase “simple majority vote” instead. He suggested using a simple majority vote on abortion or “amnesty.” Rush then noted that Sen. Kent Conrad said that the entire health care package cannot be passed via reconciliation. Rush said that Conrad may have forgotten what party he belongs to, but that Democrats will find a way around the rules, because that's what they do.

Hour three: Global warming, The Bachelor, Robin Hood, and Rahm

Rush started the third hour so excited about bringing up the tsunami again that he forgot to introduce himself. This time, he noted that Obama said, “We can't control mother nature,” while trying to comfort the Chilean people. Except, Rush added, Obama wants to control Mother Nature when it comes to global warming policies.

Limbaugh then jumped back to reconciliation, claiming that the last time Democrats tried to use reconciliation was for “Hillarycare.” Rush ignored all the instances of Republicans using reconciliation since then, however. He then repeated that Democrats are willing to lose their majorities in order to pass health care reform. Rush then noted that his “good friend” Andrew McCarthy was so inspired by Limbaugh's opposition that he wrote a piece on National Review Online's The Corner warning giddy Republicans to think about how to undo health care reform if it happens. Rush then reminded us that Democrats don't care about rules.

After the break, Rush chatted with a caller whose college class wanted to add health care and college education to the Bill of Rights. Rush added that that has failed every time it has been tried, leading to poverty and tsunamis. He then explained how the left wants the Bill of the Rights to contain only negative rights and not positive rights and complained that such college students have been brainwashed and are stupid. Later, Rush corrected the record, saying it's “the good guys” who want negative rights, i.e., ensuring that the Constitution doesn't inhibit rights that come from God, and it's the leftists who want positive rights.

Next, Rush randomly added that the left does not want children to learn about socialism and communism's failures, so they lie about what happened to try to keep control. Then he pivoted to a discussion of how powerful he is, because “all over the country,” people are turning to Rush Limbaugh for news.

After the next break, Rush briefly explained why women love The Bachelor, and then explained that a man named Robin Hood was arrested for identity theft. Then, while doing an advertisement for LifeLock, Rush added, “You'd be amazed how many doors are open to you by mentioning my name.”

Then Rush returned to climate change. First, he stated that reading Gore's New York Times op-ed made him feel like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and called the piece embarrassing. Rush then added that he dug up a 1989 Times piece that shows U.S. data since 1895 fail to show warming. Rush felt this was simply more proof that global warming is an “intentional hoax.”

Rush then ended the show the way he began it, by randomly moving to another incomplete thought. Responding to a caller's assertion that Pelosi and Reid supported Obama because he “couldn't find his way out of a stall with the door open,” Rush said, “Well, yeah, and I think they thought he could win.” He then said, “And, on that note” -- and cut the feed. Then, after a few commercials, Rush jumped back in to report on the effort to ban the word “retard” in Massachusetts and suggested that organizers ask Rahm Emanuel to endorse their efforts. We're pretty sure he was just too modest to remind his listeners, but he'd make a pretty good celebrity sponsor, too.

Michael Timberlake and Mike Burns contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.

Highlights

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: Now, folks, I'm going to tell you something. This is directly attributable to a hoax and a bunch of fearmongering led by the likes of Al Gore and the International Planetary Commission on -- whatever the hell those idiots are at the U.N. -- and the East Anglia -- all of these people, every damn one of these people has their blood on their hands with stuff like this.

Ginning up -- can you imagine if some nut had gone out and done this because of socialism? It's a good point that was just made to me. Can you imagine? Why, they'd be trying to attach that person to the tea-party movement. But here, because these two Looney Tunes have a family suicide pact over global -- “It's not worth living because of global warming.” They try to kill themselves and their kids? That's a ho-hummer. “Well, we're not going to try to find out who's responsible for this. Oh, no, no, no. Because it might lead to Al Gore. It might lead to some liberal scientists, might lead to a bunch of United Nations people. Well, no, no, we're not going to bother trying to find out about that.”

But I guarantee, if this guy had painted “socialism” on his daughter's chest before shooting her and killed the family 'cause they were worried about what Obama was doing to the country, I guaran-damn-tee you they'd say this guy was a British member of the tea-party movement. And they'd be trying to castigate this guy and the tea-party movement from now till the end of the year.

Ladies' man

LIMBAUGH: So, now it's time for the media to go get all introspective and navel-gaze. The Politico, asking if the press really vets presidential candidates -- and I think they intend this to be a serious article. As after I read it, I thought, this must be what a psychiatrist feels like after a session with a patient who is detached from reality. It would be like Tiger Woods' wife asking a therapist, “So, was Tiger missing me the whole time he was having sex with those other women? Was he really missing me? I want to know if he was missing me.”

I mean, what -- how out of touch do you have to be to do a story -- “Does the press really vet presidential candidates?” If they're Republicans, they sure as hell do. Why -- “Edwards epilogue: Does the press really vet presidential candidates?” The press doesn't vet Democrat presidential candidates, and they're going to be doing this story about Obama at some point down the road. All kinds of long knives are coming out.

War on the poor

LIMBAUGH: Now, who knew? [laughs] Who knew? But if you look at this story, folks, this is the worst thing that could have ever happened. Two thousand federal workers are going to be furloughed, and there might be a delay in some unemployment benefits being paid. Oh my God, this is the worst thing that's ever -- who knew, folks, that one lone senator from the minority party could wreak so much damage to our economy?

Unemployment advocates -- there are reports out there -- unemployment advocates. Have you ever heard of that? Unemployment advocates are calling for Jim Bunning to be removed from the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.