By Christine Schwen

Rush launched today's Open Line Friday edition of The Rush Limbaugh Show with an old-man-style tirade about the number of switches in his office. No word yet about those kids who won't get off his lawn.

Then he launched the “good news” of the February unemployment numbers, saying they would have been much better if people weren't worried about “ObamaCare” and “cap and tax.” He deviated only briefly to announce that he was correct to warn Republicans not to attend the health care summit, highlight the newest Rasmussen poll, before returning with laser-like focus on the unemployment rate. He then played a misleadingly cropped clip falsely suggesting that Reid said the unemployment rate was “good news.” For those of you counting at home, it only took him nine minutes to launch into a misleading attack on Reid.

Rush then announced that 10 percent unemployment is going to become the new norm. He explained that full employment is usually about 4 percent, but the new norm will be 10 percent because the Democrats want destroy the economy.

Has Rush mentioned that Obama's trying to destroy the economy?

Rush then claimed that he heard from an unnamed source (possibly his best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with this girl) who talked to another unnamed source in the administration who admitted that they're there to “manage the decline.” Rush decided that's proof he was right all along that, yes, Obama is trying to destroy the economy.

After the first break, stayed on the economy, noting that it's going to get even worse after college students graduate in May. Then he pivoted to foreign policy, reporting that “Obama has caved” and decided to try Khalid Shaikh Mohammed in a military tribunal. He notes, however, that Andy McCarthy, who Rush said has an accuracy rate almost as high has his own, thinks this is just a “head fake” to move towards closing Guantanamo. Rush then announced that there wouldn't be any reconciliation on health care reform after all, before cutting to break.

After the break, Rush explained that all the House has to do is agree to the Senate bill that has already been passed, and reconciliation isn't needed. Nancy Pelosi previously disputed this notion, but maybe she forgot to check with Rush first. He explained this is like Sauron getting the ring. Then he warned that once this bill is passed it will very difficult to repeal, once passed. He added that it is all about design. Thus, Rush explained, the focus is stopping this before it happens, tying it all back to how the Obama administration is intentionally trying to destroy the economy. Next, following the Washington Times' lead, Rush explained that everyone around Obama is radical, including Goodwin Liu, Obama's nominee for the 9th Circuit. He's so radical, Rush explained that he doesn't think the John Roberts belongs on the Supreme Court. That may be, Rush, but at least 22 senators agreed with him.

Rush gets ready for the Oscars, health care is “The Terminator” and “Sauron getting the ring”

After the next break, answered from feedback he was getting about his assertion that it will be nearly impossibly to repeal health care reform. Rush reminded his listeners that when Reagan tried to amend catastrophic insurance in Medicare, seniors were so outraged that they followed Dan Rostenkowski to his car. Rush then announced that he, his dittoheads, and the tea parties are the only things that stopped health care reform, and that the goal has to be stopping it before it passes. He said that the health care bill is just like the first Terminator movie, because every time you kill it, it comes back in a new form. Rush then said that that we are part of the conservative ascendency that could “stop it all.” He urged us to dig in and stop anything from happening until November. And with that, he wrapped up the first hour.

Rush: “How's that focus on jobs working out for you?”

Rush opened hour two by asking that whole Obama action on jobs working out for us, what with “36,000 people losing their jobs last month.” Rush then suddenly remembered it was Open Line Friday and promised to stop talking and start actually taking calls shortly.

Then read an article about the female Navy captain who was demoted for berating her crew. of the USS. Rush found it most outrageous that a woman was the captain of a ship called the USS Cowpens. “A female captain of a ship called the USS Cowpens? This must be a joke.” We don't get it.

Rush then went back to the economy, again asking how that focus on job is working out for us. Unfortunately it wasn't any funnier the second time. Rush then read from the similarly headlined post to the Heritage Foundation blog, which argued that the problem with the economy is job creation, which has slumped due to concerns about health care and cap and trade. Rush was quite satisfied because he's “been telling you this for months.” Rush was convinced that if Obama just stopped, the economy would recover.

Rush then announced again that it is difficult to say (but apparently not difficult to repeat) that America is in decline thanks to Obama.

After the next break, Rush finally opened up the phone lines. His first call came from a man who is afraid that health care is unstoppable, but Rush explained that it's nowhere near over, adding that if it were over he'd be in New Zealand. Rush then explained that while his show has always been optimistic, he has not delved into false optimism. He went on to explain that he always knew that Obama was a complete fraud, but was depressed by how many people were taken in by him. Fortunately, Rush explained, Rush personally turned the tide by saying “I hope he failed.” Then said the tea parties -- who he falsely claimed were not led by anyone -- were good too. The result, Rush added, is that a vast majority now don't want any part of the Obama administration. Rush added that if he could wave a magic wand and get everyone to believe something it would be that this administration doesn't like this country as founded. Yes, Rush, we do think it would require a magic wand to make us believe that.

After the next break, Rush took his second call, this time from a listener who wanted to know why we can't just used unspent stimulus money to pay back China. Rush explained that this won't solve the problem, a point he punctuated by falsely claiming that Japan is the biggest holder of our debt. Rush then attempted to emphasize that this is a big deal because China has a hammer over us, and the only thing we can do about it is to nuke them. Rush then sputtered at the microphone for a while longer, still stumbling to explain why we can't pay China back, because “there's no additional capital in the private sector, and the only thing Dems are stimulating is themselves,” which, naturally, he blamed Obama for. He completed his call by claiming that there isn't one sane individual who would do what Obama is doing if he honestly wanted the private sector to grow, and so, he repeated, they're destroying the country on purpose and Obama is managing the decline.

Rush gave his next caller his legal expertise, spreading the myth that health care is unconstitutional, but we have to wait until the challenge is brought to the court.

After the break, Rush announced that he was wrong. No, I wasn't wrong, he said to a no-doubt-stunned audience, he wasn't wrong, he just didn't know that the “Chi-coms” are actually the biggest holders (another swing and a miss, Rush).

Rush opened the third and final hour by complaining about raisins for some reason. He then announced that he's going to be randomly playing the misleading clip of Sen. Reid at random intervals throughout the rest of the show.

Rush: “Everything about your life is [Obama's] business”

Then Rush played something he'd been highlighting since the beginning of the show, a clip of Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel saying that having a heavier society has had an impact on the economy. The entirely uncontroversial nature of this statement did not stop Rush from insisting that this is more evidence of the end of life as we know it:

LIMBAUGH: Now what's the point of saying that? Well, when we get this health care done, America, we're going to be able to have regulations on how heavy you can be, and we're going to be able to set up various tax penalties, for example, if you weigh more than we think you should. Or we just may not let you get on that airplane because your carbon foot -- you're going to waste so much jet fuel. We might not let you get on that bus. We may not let you drive your car. We may not build you a bigger doorway for you to get through. We may not give you a bigger toilet. I mean all of -- this is the thing, these are the arrogant, effete snobs that are running this. Everything is their business, everything about your life is their business.

Rush then shifted to health care reform. He again credited himself for realizing Democrats won't use reconciliation, played a very short clip of Sen. “Dick Turban” saying yes, they're going to cut Medicare, which Rush decided meant they're going to take money from Medicare and give it to ObamaCare. Rush then played his new favorite clip of “Dingy Harry.”

Next, he played a clip of Speaker Pelosi stating that the bill “is not about abortion” and that “if you believe there should be no federal funding of abortion ... we will pass the bill,” referring to the fact that the language in the current health care bill maintains the status quo on federal funding for abortion. Rush apparently misunderstood her, though, because he responded that “she needs a teleprompter.”

Being a millionaire has its challenges

After the break, Rush shared with us how, because he lives on a beach, he has to turn off any light that can be seen from the beach, so that the sea turtle hatchlings -- who are distracted by light -- don't accidently head inland instead of out to the sea. Rush said that he's looked into doing something about it, and whined that he's being harassed about this. He added that in the spring he's going to take a few bottles of Chateau Petrus to the beach and wait for the environmental wackos. This pity party continued for several minutes -- so long, in fact, that his next caller hung up. Life is rough for millionaire Palm Beach dwellers.

After the break, we returned to the sea turtle-light tragedy, despite Rush's assertions that he didn't want to belabor the point (too late). He announced his disbelief that the turtles are bothered by the light because when people shoot video of the turtles, the camera's light doesn't bother the hatchlings.

Taking a break from the turtle-light tragedy, Rush took a call from a woman who's concerned about the SEIU (or USSR, as Rush called them) backed health care reform. Rush again repeated his gloom and doom scenario in which Obama's health care bill passes and there's nothing they can do about it.

Then, Rush turned to the upcoming KSM trial, and again highlighting Andy McCarthy's column, claiming that the KSM trial is a head fake, because this is just to get Lindsey “Grahamnesty” on board with closing Guantanamo.

After the break Rush returned to healthcare, claiming the Senate bill includes a protection racket to make businesses go along with it. Then Rush turned to the topic of his man-crush Gov. Chris Christie, who is “taking on the politico class.” Rush then claimed that he'll solve his sea turtle problem the Harry Reid way, by turning on all the lights, killing 100 turtles and then announcing “good news! Only 100 turtles died.” Again, Rush, that's not what Reid said.

Finally -- possibly realizing that he'd almost forgotten to be gross, offensive, or vaguely sexist this show -- Rush unveiled a joke he'd clearly been working on for weeks. He quoted Mahmoud Amademajad saying: “The lingering global financial crisis has exposed the dark side of the capitalist economic system in the West” adding “that the U.S. will go down in history as the biggest thief ever.” He then asked his staff to guess whether or not it was Obama or Amademahajad who said that, “because normally they are on the same page” [rim shot]. Good night ladies and gentleman! Don't forget to tip your bartenders.

Mike Burns and Michael Timberlake contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: Now what's the point of saying that? Well, when we get this health care done, America, we're going to be able to have regulations on how heavy you can be, and we're going to be able to set up various tax penalties, for example, if you weigh more than we think you should. Or we just may not let you get on that airplane because your carbon foot -- you're going to waste so much jet fuel. We might not let you get on that bus. We may not let you drive your car. We may not build you a bigger doorway for you to get through. We may not give you a bigger toilet. I mean all of -- this is the thing, these are the arrogant, effete snobs that are running this. Everything is their business, everything about your life is their business.